Longwinded

"You should know by now that Grandma's like Mom. Don't bother replying, and just try to quietly figure out where they're coming from." -My rather wise younger brother, paraphrased

Today we visited Grandma together, and as usual she started talking about Mom. She recounted the days when Mom was young and still dating my Dad, and told us that my Mom always kept to herself and stared down at the ground wherever she went. At one point in her story she said something that caught me offguard. She said that my Mom was very 'jiao ao', very proud and unwilling to give people recognition by looking at them and saying hello.

My first reaction to this was surprise, not because I entirely disagreed, but because I didn't expect her to link pride to behavior that seemed so clearly to me to be rooted in shyness or low self-esteem. I thought to myself that some people were simply quiet while others were loud (though that does put aside issues of how much pride one possesses). It was only later that I realized that she felt this way because, according to her value system, seeming indifferent to others and not greeting them suggested an arrogant disposition.

It was a timely reminder for me. Have been getting too unsociable because of my refusal to break out of a slump. Must be more friendly. Smile at people. Make conversation. Activate brain cells. Alright.

It got me thinking though, about whether Grandma's opinion made more sense than I gave it credit for. I've been pretty distant myself lately, trying to keep away from people because I'm uncomfortable with my place in the world now (and thus uncomfortable with conversation). People could interpret this in any number of ways. One of them might be to see it as an inflated sense of self-worth... Max Weber, if he were alive today, would say that we never truly understand any outward action until we have gained insight into the intentions and assumed meanings behind it. I think that that was a very valuable statement he made for sociology, but in this case, it's also true that in some cases, there is a certain kind of pride in shyness. When we're reluctant to touch base with others, it could be for any number of reasons. We might be picky about how comfortable we want to feel with a person before talking with them. We might be afraid of getting hurt somehow.

Sometimes, it's because we're afraid to reveal more of who we are, because deep down we think we're worthless, and we only want others to see the good stuff or nothing at all. But that's pride as well (albeit a gentler self), a love of the self that keeps you from doing what's healthy for yourself and pleasing for others, that tells you that you need to achieve and be on par or higher before you show your face in public, that tells you that you can and should control all of it so that you can control whether or not people will love you... Pride, the obsession/preoccupation with the self- in its most glaring form, it is obnoxious and nauseating and outrageous. Other times it is seductive and blinding to others and blinded to itself (think Lelouch from Code Geass and Allan Shore from Boston Legal) At its most subtle, it begins in a very human place- the part of us that wants to be loved, to avoid being hurt, to be better so we can be worthy of love, deserving even.

Its endeavors do not end well. At least, not for me. Heh. And perhaps it's presumptuous for me to use the words like 'end' or 'ended'. There's a part of us that never wants to stop trying, trying to get things under control. It's hard not being in control. It's hard to find yourself spiraling (upwards or downwards), with no direction to call your own. Not knowing at a glance how things are working out, how things will end... When we come to truly treasure something or someone, we will realize that we don't really know how things will work out, or how careful we will have to be in guarding them. When I think of it like that, it reminds me of the people who I thought I treasured in my life but who have left it. There were ups and downs, chances at reconciliation and redemption... There were critical moments (prepare your whole lifetime for them, because hitting them on the mark can revolutionize relationships. I've never found that to be more true than with my youngest brother) , some hit and some missed... I never once put on the mindset of being careful, delicate with my words and actions. I was just so happy that we were okay again, and that's where my thoughts ended. Never said to myself that I will be more careful, more considerate or measured/adapted in my actions from now on. Never said to myself that I will learn to recognize where those treasured people were sensitive in their hearts.

'I think', 'I might', perhaps, maybe, conditionally... All these words were the staples of my vocabulary when I was younger. They facilitated clear and rational thought, and they still do. Sociology and a number of other social sciences encourages their ample, frequent use.

But I will learn to treasure my friendships and my life more. I will. And that's all there is to it. That's all there ever was, just that some of us take longer to understand.

Grandma said it best. "Not having friends is painful. Having friends is joyful" (not that that's the only dimension to life, but still...). She asked me if I had any friends in university, and she said that those who didn't must be terrible people to live with... I had to pause before answering her. I had to pause because of all the friends I lost through galling behavior and a stiff and proud upper lip. I had to pause to think of all the friends who remain, who make life there bearable. If we are honest with ourselves, I think most of us will find that regardless of the strength of our ideals, it is difficult to be hated by people at large, unbearable to be rejected by those who are close... I told her I had friends. In relation to the context it was half the truth, but it made things easier.

I'm a looker. I can be very charming and gentleman-like anything I feel like it, and I come across in a very non-threatening way that works well for many girls and enough guys. I can easily carry on for years going out of my way to do helpful things for people (so they like me) because I was raised by parents for whom doing things (acts of service) for others is a complete non-issue. When I open up to people I think they enjoy it because it's very warm, and I know that warmth does come from a real place- adoration for the people I adore and admire.

But when I get insecure, when people show the slightest hints of getting bored with me... When there are harsh words or lengthy silences... I start to lose my cool; it slips away and eventually I go ballistic. And when conflict came, I couldn't resolve it properly because there was much that I did not see about these people I loved, and because I lacked wisdom which could've filled that gap. There were a lot of mistakes made but I think the biggest and simplest one was that I was too proud to go and say hello, too proud and too afraid to face rejection.

(If you're of a different faith and don't feel comfortable reading the next part, you can just give it a miss =j )

Being loved in spite of your flaws... Being loved so that you can find the strength to accept them and improve on those parts of your life... Receiving something, just receiving it, no conditions attached... It defies logic completely. Completely and utterly. Logic would say then that such a thing is too irrational to truly exist in any sense of the word.

I don't have anything smart to say to that, except that logic has been wrong too many times for me to put much faith in it, and that logic only speaks for those things which do not defy it. More importantly than that, I think that I would say that in the past year, God has never failed me when it mattered most.

So I don't know how to deal with the fact that I am called to love and follow the one who first loved me. God loved us so much that he sent his Son to die for us while we were yet sinners. To those who sought salvation, his condition was that we accept and believe in the sacrifice of the man (God's son who came to Earth), Jesus Christ. To believe in that sacrifice that cleanses us and makes us righteous is to believe and accept into our lives a love that changes everything. We who are loved are called to love God, love each other, and have faith in Him that enables us to live according to his Word. And that life according to his Word is a life that allows us to prosper (not necessarily in material terms), and it is yet another gift to us even as it exists as a command/condition. We must be prepared to give up everything to follow him... The things of this world make it difficult for us to do so... He does not insist that we lose everything, but that we should be prepared to give those things up...