"Before a famous sword can be forged, countless failures would be experienced first." -Qinsmoon

"Saying sorry in a PR crisis involves knowing what to say, how to say it, and when to say it... And most people don't." -PR professional interviewed on perfect spin

I would advise my young colleagues, the composers of symphonies, to drop in sometimes at the kindergarten, too. It is there that it is decided whether there will be anybody to understand their works in twenty years' time.
Zoltan Kodaly

p. 126: That the economic crisis is the cause of everything? Everything will be set right as soon as the economy is in order? I do not think so. Penury may hamper development but wealth does not always promote it either. Money does not produce ideas. Anyhow, there would be sufficient money here if only it were always spent on what is needed. However, the most valuable things cannot be bought with money. The greatest trouble is not the emptiness of the purse but the emptiness of the soul. And of this we have got more than our share. (1929) -Kodaly

p. 127: We put up the fancy spires first. When we saw that the whole edifice was shaky, we set to building the walls. We have still to make a cellar. This has been the situation, particularly in our musical culture. If in 1875 instead of establishing the Academy of Music, we had laid the foundations for the teaching of singing in schools, today's musical culture would be greater and more general. (1941; 1957) -Kodaly

p. 46: Children's singing games allow a more profound insight than anything else into the primeval age of folk music. Singing connected with movements and action is a much more ancient, and, at the same time, more complex phenomenon than is a simple song. .... In the same way as the child's development repeats in brief the evolution of mankind, his forms of music represent a history of music; indeed they afford a glimpse into the prehistoric period of music. From the reiteration of the smallest motif, comprising but a couple of notes, we can observe all grades of musical development up to the average stage of the European folksong... Here the child's music often touches that of adults. (1951) -Kodaly

p. 196: Today there is much talk of overburdening the students. It is true that the musician finds burdensome the learning of subjects whose direct use in his career he cannot see. If he realized, however, how much easier it is to learn every music subject, and how much time is won if he first trains himself to be a quick and sure reader, he would not rest day or night until he had achieved this. To teach a child an instrument without first giving him preparatory training and without developing singing, reading and dictating to the highest level along with the playing is to build upon sand. (1953). -Kodaly

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No more damage to self. No more damage to soul. What's done is done, and if what you've lost was important, then go and make it back if you still have breath. Start afresh if you still have life.

Uncle Iroh is one of my favorite characters on Avatar: The Last Airbender. His role as a loving, long-suffering father figure to Zuko probably strikes a chord in those of us who sometimes wish we had such a guiding figure in our darkest moments.

Beyond that however, I realize that the scenes that to me, are most defining of him were those of his time in prison. His beloved nephew had betrayed him. He was mistreated, clothed in rags, and left in a damp, dark cell with nowhere to go. The jailer mocked him daily, calling him disgraceful and useless... Yet he never took any of it to heart. He never cursed or condemned himself. Instead he worked hard, trained his body tirelessly, and waited for the right chance to escape. He never told himself he was a washout, or that he couldn't achieve anything anymore.

"The people of the Fire Nation have desire and will, and the energy and drive to achieve what they want." -Iroh

Fatherhood defines Iroh's relationships, but self-acceptance and love defines his character. This is a man who believes in himself and accepts his own limitations, and who gains a great depth of willpower as a result... and these traits are what he tries to teach a nephew who cannot accept himself, who lives in shame and self-condemnation.

"There are no perfect fathers. But a father will always love perfectly."

I think today we look at Uncle Iroh and think of his behavior as something close to the pinnacle of parenting- just the right combination of firmness and gentleness... [On a side note, "speaking the truth in love" is a commonly heard phrase in church... But I wonder whether its only reference is to speaking the truth with gentleness, or if it is not necessarily so...] The reality however, is that no parent is perfect. We can't communicate the lessons we want so dearly to impart to our children, and more often than not, they will refuse to listen... Beyond that, there are some lessons that only life can teach, truths and personal resolve that you can only attain to when you've hit rock bottom, when you've felt what it's like to break something priceless and irreplaceable with your own hands. Perhaps sometimes... it is not the place of those who love to teach, or to get frustrated when things don't work out... There are some things only the Holy Spirit can teach, or which can only be learned over the course of a lifetime... Sometimes all we can do is be there, ready to catch our children when they fall.

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What would I do if I hurt another person I loved, and found myself passing by them without acknowledgement, with nothing between us but an empty moment in time? I felt it again on Friday, the feeling that something was missing, that a connection had been lost for lack of attention or care... ... Damn. I wish that would make itself into something more poetic. Heh. But in any case, I guess all we can do at times is take such feelings in our stride and work to initiate a new connection. It should be a motivation to not repeat the mistake, rather than a constant source of self-recrimination... We can let go, but we shouldn't forget. If all you do is stare at it, it will consume you. If you try to forget what that emptiness is like, then you're also forgetting what it means to be full; the world slowly becomes a blur if you walk down that road...

Jotter Books

When I was young, I was an extremely introverted kid... I don't really have many clear memories of my life then, but from what I can remember, I didn't frequently interact with people in conventional ways...

My sister reminded me of a hobby I used to have during primary school. Apparently, I would draw adventure mazes in my school-issued jotter books, complete with traps, monsters,treasures and bags of money with big '$' signs on them. After remembering about those days, I started to remember that I often invited my classmates to play my little book-drawn RPG. Hahah.

I suppose it was the enjoyment of adventure books and RPGs which led me to exercise my creativity in such a manner. And I guess that my classmates were willing to play with me as well because we simply didn't have anything else to do at the time (though of course my maze must have been loads of fun, in any case).

Today the kids have an endless flood of technology, toys, and electronic games to entertain them. I'm sure that 99% of them would mock and scoff at my humble jotter book adventure. That's fine though. Before jotter books kids played with pebbles and dirt in the ground. The medium changes but the spirit of play remains the same.

What does worry me however, is how the kids of today will exercise their creative urge. How will they find a way to bring their own creative yearnings to fruition in the classroom? The problem isn't a lack of creative content to appreciate; every generation has its own source of creatively stimulating games and stories. The problem (given that there are still kids that might enjoy playing creatively) now is that kids no longer have immediate access to the tools that could allow them to even begin creating things that approximate the objects they enjoy (The 'Angry Birds' and 'Solomon's Graveyards' that are popular today). Back in my day *cough*, we had pencils and jotter books. Now there are iphones, ipads, and smartphones. The jotter book of today is there but there is no pencil.

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As a long-time and hardcore gamer, I do think that game addiction does deserve its stigmatizing label. Games, while holding the potential for great good, can also be very self-destructive to the user if played excessively. In spite of this, I can't help but wonder at how people cannot see why they are addictive.

It is said that babies are full of wonder towards life, that even the simplest button or chew toy can hold their attention for hours at a time. We don't say that babies are addicted to chew toys. Reality is new to them; the perception of it utterly entrancing and absorbing.

How is it different when we experience completely new realities and dynamics through computer screens and game consoles? Simply put, it isn't. Not in itself. Just like babies can grow out of chew toys, boys and girls can grow out of computer games and go from complete absorption to a moderated appreciation/admiration for these beautifully crafted worlds.

The problem then, is not that kids get absorbed by their games, but that some never grow out of it, and some get too absorbed during their impressionable youth at the cost of their studies and academic life (something, which though rightly so, is forced on them by circumstance and society). This is what we have to fix, rather than games themselves.

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green fleur-de-lis

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a beaming white jewel in the sky

silver grey and bronze sky

pudgy as the pig

the wretched conditions of its birth

Longwinded

"You should know by now that Grandma's like Mom. Don't bother replying, and just try to quietly figure out where they're coming from." -My rather wise younger brother, paraphrased

Today we visited Grandma together, and as usual she started talking about Mom. She recounted the days when Mom was young and still dating my Dad, and told us that my Mom always kept to herself and stared down at the ground wherever she went. At one point in her story she said something that caught me offguard. She said that my Mom was very 'jiao ao', very proud and unwilling to give people recognition by looking at them and saying hello.

My first reaction to this was surprise, not because I entirely disagreed, but because I didn't expect her to link pride to behavior that seemed so clearly to me to be rooted in shyness or low self-esteem. I thought to myself that some people were simply quiet while others were loud (though that does put aside issues of how much pride one possesses). It was only later that I realized that she felt this way because, according to her value system, seeming indifferent to others and not greeting them suggested an arrogant disposition.

It was a timely reminder for me. Have been getting too unsociable because of my refusal to break out of a slump. Must be more friendly. Smile at people. Make conversation. Activate brain cells. Alright.

It got me thinking though, about whether Grandma's opinion made more sense than I gave it credit for. I've been pretty distant myself lately, trying to keep away from people because I'm uncomfortable with my place in the world now (and thus uncomfortable with conversation). People could interpret this in any number of ways. One of them might be to see it as an inflated sense of self-worth... Max Weber, if he were alive today, would say that we never truly understand any outward action until we have gained insight into the intentions and assumed meanings behind it. I think that that was a very valuable statement he made for sociology, but in this case, it's also true that in some cases, there is a certain kind of pride in shyness. When we're reluctant to touch base with others, it could be for any number of reasons. We might be picky about how comfortable we want to feel with a person before talking with them. We might be afraid of getting hurt somehow.

Sometimes, it's because we're afraid to reveal more of who we are, because deep down we think we're worthless, and we only want others to see the good stuff or nothing at all. But that's pride as well (albeit a gentler self), a love of the self that keeps you from doing what's healthy for yourself and pleasing for others, that tells you that you need to achieve and be on par or higher before you show your face in public, that tells you that you can and should control all of it so that you can control whether or not people will love you... Pride, the obsession/preoccupation with the self- in its most glaring form, it is obnoxious and nauseating and outrageous. Other times it is seductive and blinding to others and blinded to itself (think Lelouch from Code Geass and Allan Shore from Boston Legal) At its most subtle, it begins in a very human place- the part of us that wants to be loved, to avoid being hurt, to be better so we can be worthy of love, deserving even.

Its endeavors do not end well. At least, not for me. Heh. And perhaps it's presumptuous for me to use the words like 'end' or 'ended'. There's a part of us that never wants to stop trying, trying to get things under control. It's hard not being in control. It's hard to find yourself spiraling (upwards or downwards), with no direction to call your own. Not knowing at a glance how things are working out, how things will end... When we come to truly treasure something or someone, we will realize that we don't really know how things will work out, or how careful we will have to be in guarding them. When I think of it like that, it reminds me of the people who I thought I treasured in my life but who have left it. There were ups and downs, chances at reconciliation and redemption... There were critical moments (prepare your whole lifetime for them, because hitting them on the mark can revolutionize relationships. I've never found that to be more true than with my youngest brother) , some hit and some missed... I never once put on the mindset of being careful, delicate with my words and actions. I was just so happy that we were okay again, and that's where my thoughts ended. Never said to myself that I will be more careful, more considerate or measured/adapted in my actions from now on. Never said to myself that I will learn to recognize where those treasured people were sensitive in their hearts.

'I think', 'I might', perhaps, maybe, conditionally... All these words were the staples of my vocabulary when I was younger. They facilitated clear and rational thought, and they still do. Sociology and a number of other social sciences encourages their ample, frequent use.

But I will learn to treasure my friendships and my life more. I will. And that's all there is to it. That's all there ever was, just that some of us take longer to understand.

Grandma said it best. "Not having friends is painful. Having friends is joyful" (not that that's the only dimension to life, but still...). She asked me if I had any friends in university, and she said that those who didn't must be terrible people to live with... I had to pause before answering her. I had to pause because of all the friends I lost through galling behavior and a stiff and proud upper lip. I had to pause to think of all the friends who remain, who make life there bearable. If we are honest with ourselves, I think most of us will find that regardless of the strength of our ideals, it is difficult to be hated by people at large, unbearable to be rejected by those who are close... I told her I had friends. In relation to the context it was half the truth, but it made things easier.

I'm a looker. I can be very charming and gentleman-like anything I feel like it, and I come across in a very non-threatening way that works well for many girls and enough guys. I can easily carry on for years going out of my way to do helpful things for people (so they like me) because I was raised by parents for whom doing things (acts of service) for others is a complete non-issue. When I open up to people I think they enjoy it because it's very warm, and I know that warmth does come from a real place- adoration for the people I adore and admire.

But when I get insecure, when people show the slightest hints of getting bored with me... When there are harsh words or lengthy silences... I start to lose my cool; it slips away and eventually I go ballistic. And when conflict came, I couldn't resolve it properly because there was much that I did not see about these people I loved, and because I lacked wisdom which could've filled that gap. There were a lot of mistakes made but I think the biggest and simplest one was that I was too proud to go and say hello, too proud and too afraid to face rejection.

(If you're of a different faith and don't feel comfortable reading the next part, you can just give it a miss =j )

Being loved in spite of your flaws... Being loved so that you can find the strength to accept them and improve on those parts of your life... Receiving something, just receiving it, no conditions attached... It defies logic completely. Completely and utterly. Logic would say then that such a thing is too irrational to truly exist in any sense of the word.

I don't have anything smart to say to that, except that logic has been wrong too many times for me to put much faith in it, and that logic only speaks for those things which do not defy it. More importantly than that, I think that I would say that in the past year, God has never failed me when it mattered most.

So I don't know how to deal with the fact that I am called to love and follow the one who first loved me. God loved us so much that he sent his Son to die for us while we were yet sinners. To those who sought salvation, his condition was that we accept and believe in the sacrifice of the man (God's son who came to Earth), Jesus Christ. To believe in that sacrifice that cleanses us and makes us righteous is to believe and accept into our lives a love that changes everything. We who are loved are called to love God, love each other, and have faith in Him that enables us to live according to his Word. And that life according to his Word is a life that allows us to prosper (not necessarily in material terms), and it is yet another gift to us even as it exists as a command/condition. We must be prepared to give up everything to follow him... The things of this world make it difficult for us to do so... He does not insist that we lose everything, but that we should be prepared to give those things up...

Sentiment

Admittedly, after the romanticism of solitude portrayed by Code Geass fades, I can't deny that people can't live alone, no matter how hard they try. Camaraderie, collective effervescence; whatever you call it, people gain strength from being with one another. Guess that should have been obvious. But it wasn't.

We exchange fancy gifts and free dinners every year, but the sentiments that come with them are what makes this practice more than a zero-sum game of concealed values. Maybe the fabric of the life we value may be said to be consisted of sentiment and thoughtful gestures.

"I don't need luck though. I don't want it. I've always had to struggle and fight, and that's made me strong. It's made me who I am." -Zuko, from Avatar: The Last Airbender

"Be decisive."

"I won't speak of the dream my racing heart conceals."

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The past few weeks have made me vaguely aware of something that I couldn't put my finger on, but it was these last few days of long waits and fateful meetings that helped me to truly understand something: A man whose pride is intact can do great things and sacrifice all for king and country, but a man who has lost his pride is like a ghost, a shell of his former self. Taking away someone's pride can be like breaking the legs they stand on. Perhaps the outward symptoms are different, but I think something similar happens for women as well.

It's pretty incredible that we're in our 20s now, on the brink of experiencing some of the greatest adventures and most painful disappointments we'll ever have. It's hard to imagine that in just 5 to 10 years time, we may no longer get to be the main characters in our lives. Slowly, year by year, we may find ourselves making way for kids, or a cause, or an organization; one day we will wake up and be faced with our existence as side characters in a much bigger story.

Hopefully, when we come to live for something so far outside ourselves, it will be because of abiding joy and not restless anxiety.


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The two most epic theme songs I may ever hear.

Plots and Plans, Pots and Pans

"The peril of every fine faculty is the delight of playing with it for pride. Talent is commonly developed at the expense of character, and the greater it grows, the more is the mischief. Talent is mistaken for genius, a dogma or system for truth, ambition for greatness, ingenuity for poetry, sensuality for art." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

With equal parts self-deprecation and veiled narcissism, I often like to say that the only thing I consider myself truly good at is gaming. I come out on top in almost every game I play, regardless of who I'm with. I got every single soul available in Castlevania. I beat every special mission in Ninja Gaiden Black on Master Ninja mode. I've placed in almost every competition I've entered. I beat Starcaft 2 on... Normal mode. Lolz.

I'm well-versed with the many strategies utilizing aggression, passivity, and passive aggression; I pursued their learning with aggressive passion. I know that this will sound a bit comical given the subject matter, but the control feels good. I don't know if the root of this feeling of control is desperate escapism or/and plain addiction, but it was no problem in the past for me to go 12 hours a day playing. And apparently it still isn't a problem.

Chris, Aaron, Kei Seen, Alex... Together we've done the most ridiculous, overboard things, and we've jacked each other time and time again in-game, be it with rocket launchers, lightsabers, or a flight of backdooring mutalisks. Seriously, it gets freakin' ridonkulous at times. Haha.

If it was just that, it would be fine. But when you light a spark over a pile of dead branches, a fire starts. I think that's what it's like with me. It only takes a spark to get a fire going, lolz. I can cut myself out, but once I start up again, I'll feel myself burning to win and to improve and then win again... Playing 12 hours a day isn't a problem for me during these periods.

In itself, that doesn't bother so much. But I've come to a point where I've realized that, for myself (and perhaps most people), there's really only room inside for one pile of firewood, and one fire. Right now, I only have two big dreams in my life that I want to pursue, but every time I play, I find that afterwards, there's nothing left in me to burn for these dreams. For a while, I pursued them with all my being, and the hunger, the fire I felt then, was all-consuming. It burned in my belly and in my bones and in my mind. To this day, I have never experienced a time where I was more fulfilled, more overjoyed, more in-sync with the whole f***in' universe, than I was then. No man can serve two masters; he will either hate one or love the other, and a double-minded man is unstable in all he does.

At the end of the day though, my mind is not on the control. My mind is on what is far more important and precious than that. My mind is on what I hope will always stay the same even though circumstances may change, for that is what these things are, circumstances that brought together what is now bound together by a force greater than mere circumstance.

Comical

Sometimes it's easy to forget that... Friendship may just be a game we're playing to pass the time.


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When giving out compliments, imagine that you're giving out a slice of cake. Would the recipient most enjoy something light and fluffy, or something thick and oozing with rich sweetness? If he/she is worried that he'll get fat, then sometimes the best cake is no cake at all. An abstract cake is best in such circumstances.

"Everybody likes cake." Something to remember.

Also, don't let yourself get caught if the cake is a lie.

Promise to the Blue Sky

"Sometimes it's better to love than to be right."

That's what my JC chemistry teacher Bernard Yong wrote on a card for me during cathecism class one day. I don't know what moved him to write such a thing. Maybe it was because I asked him questions incessantly during class. Haha. Or maybe he saw something in me that I didn't recognize. But I'm guessing he just couldn't take my smartass attitude. Lolz.

To me, TV drama creates a whole new set of problems for interpersonal relationships, because we get fooled into thinking that life takes its course the same way as the scripted acts on Television.

For instance, two people get into an argument. Both of them refuse to give in to the other. They give each other the cold shoulder until one of them has a revelation along the lines of "Sometimes it's better to love than to be right". He/she (Usually a man) apologizes sincerely. The other person's heart melts, and he/she (Usually a woman) apologizes in return. Both people hug. Both people compromise and get what they want.

Stereotypes (mostly from TV, but also from other sources like books) give us an idea of what to expect at the end of such an exchange, and knowing the results of such actions blurs the line between action and intent. On the surface, we might find ourselves prostrating ourselves and apologizing, but on the inside, there might be a part of us licking our lips in anticipation of a reciprocal apology or an affirmation of some sort... I know there's some sort of literary term for this sort of situation... Is it a postmodern approach to media and literature, or am I just throwing the word around carelessly?

I really liked the episode of Glee where Emma (rightly) called Will a slut. Will came to her office with flowers and a look of remorse. Emma's reply was that, though she knew that this was the part where she was supposed to be bowled over by his sensitivity and sincerity and fall into his arms, she just couldn't. The episode reminded me that there is no sure outcome when we express feelings to people.

That's what makes it all so precious though- acceptance, reconciliation, love, and connection aren't givens. When we meet people who dance to the same rhythm, listen to the same indie songs, and have the same Dota philosophy- that's when we've experience a moment of serendipity =)

Amidst troubled times, one of the most important things may be the inner strength to sit still and do nothing. When our instincts scream out for quick action and fast relief, the reverse may actually be the most crucial course of action. Finding inner calm and quietening the heart, focusing away from your inner frustration and towards the thoughts and words of others, stopping fear and anger, the enemy within, from taking control...


But enough babbling. Bazinga! Discombobulate! Mayhaps! Seconded! Perspicacious! Spoonful! Pilfer!




Serendipity
–noun
1.
an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.
2.
good fortune; luck: the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for.

Synonyms-
blessing
lucky break
good luck
happenstance
luck
fluke
break

Subject none

“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami


When you've reached the very limits of who you think you can be... When you have to come face to face with the ugliest parts of your self... That's when you have to try your hardest to bang down those walls that lock you in, that prevent you from becoming who you are meant to become, like a Digimon that's undergoing evolution or a DnD character trying to work its way up to a Prestige class.





GLEE IS GOOD. This is for you, unbelievers:

Sincerity

"In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength." -General Iroh, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Awesome cartoon. The shout out episode to the WWF was epic. Now they have this cool blind Earth bender girl following them.

(Post-Note: 3 seasons down. THIS SHOW IS AWESOME.)

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Long conversations delight, and long journeys together are a pleasure.

During my trip to Cambodia, we visited several orphanages and homes for underprivileged kids. On one of those trips, I was having diarrhea and decided to stay in the van instead of interacting with the kids. My sickness wasn't the only thing keeping me in the van, though. During the short time I was out there, I felt awkward and unconfident around the kids. I didn't know how to relate to them. You can't talk shop with them. You can't banter with them. You can't even exert the force of your masculine charms on them.

Watching Marie and Mych laughing and smiling with the kids made me think that when it comes to children, sincerity and warmth are of the utmost importance. Even if you're nervous, being open and sharing some of that emotion is important to building an honest connection; if you don't lie to them, it is... less likely... that you will end up seeing yourself as a liar, or lying to yourself. Exuding warmth lets them know that they are loveable, and that you find it a pleasure to be with them.

On a side note...

I think that there is a significant stream of public opinion that has taken a very wrong turn with regards to ideas about love and identity/selfhood (Yeap, I'm with the other stream). To reduce the length of a long and rambling rant-
Just as much as love is about tenderness and taking the time to understand your loved ones, it can also be about uncompromising measures and harsh silences. As much as I hate my Mom sometimes for some of her extreme behavior, I think we (her kids) would be in a sorry state without her stern hand and discipline.

I also think 'love yourself', 'be proud of who you are', and 'be yourself', have also become half-truths which prize personal indulgence and comfort above all else. To me, loving and accepting yourself means that you don't let yourself be undiscerningly swayed by the opinions of every other person about who or what you ought to be. But that doesn't mean that you deny the importance of change and improvement and maturity. It doesn't mean that you ignore the likelihood that those who love you have some very important things to say about your character.


But anyway...

Recently I joined a Youth Expedition Project to help kids in Vietnam. On the first day, we had to introduce ourselves. I was feeling a little experimental so I decided to think up a good line and start with a sarcastic opener.

It totally flopped. Barely got a chuckle.

Now I could explain this away by suggesting a lack of appreciation of sarcastic humor on the part of the audience, or by theorizing the existence of implicit social constraints on interaction in that context (DAMN THOSE LAWFUL GOOD DO-GOODERS). But I think sincerity had a part to play as well (Sorry if it seems like I'm forcing a point, haha). Good humor and laughter aren't necessary products of sincere interaction, but now I know for certain that if your behavior extends from what you feel is your true sense of self, then you will almost always feel grounded and confident. There isn't always a need to make a splash. High aggro means you do high DPS, but it also means you'll always have some asshole on your back. ITS BETTER TO BE A PRIEST AND TREAD THE LINE BETWEEN LIGHT AND DARKNESS AND MANIPULATE THE TEAM FROM THE SHADOWS

...

GDOP last Sunday was a good experience. It brought me out of my shell and helped me progress in terms of praying openly with others. It was discomfiting at times though; listening to much more grounded Christians praying made me feel nervous and unconfident. I think that in times like these, I have to try harder to listen to God and to be sincere in my own words, or else I will get very lost.



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kind-harsh/gentle; edify/build-up

embellish

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"Knowledge is power- The power to make people feel stupid."

"I aim to misbehave." -Captain Malcolm Reynolds, from the show "Firefly" by Joss Whedon

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Irony is a hard word to use properly, as Richard Castle rightly points out.

Manipulate

This is a black and white world. Our choices are black and white choices. Terrible resolution makes it all seem gray.

And past all the clothes we wear and all the smiles we put on, when all the decoration is stripped away... You either are or you aren't.

To manipulate something is to handle it, causing it to act in certain ways according to your choosing. The word doesn't necessarily have to bear the overt meanings of deception or trickery that it so often carries today.

When you use words to convince someone of something, you manipulate them in a sense. You try to get a handle on/(handle) their thought processes and feelings, and cause them to think, act, and feel in a certain way. You manipulate them, though not necessarily in a deceptive fashion.

Or maybe you are manipulating them in the common sense of the word. Maybe you manipulate yourself a little as well, just to help things along.

Life gives you the answer to as to which it is. You will get the chance to see now what you couldn't see then. You will get the chance to learn from the mistake that you didn't know you were making.

But it's still just a chance/choice/chance.


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Some days you take a roundabout route to say something with flair, but by the time you've made a circle, you realize what you had to say was truly forgettable... A platitude. Ha.

Symbol

So close, to reaching that famous happy end,
Almost, believing, that this was not pretend
And now, beside you,
look how far we've gone
So close, and yet...
So far.
-So Close, Jon Mclaughlin (Enchanted soundtrack)

It's nearly the end of a period in which day and night had lost their meaning, and thoughtlessness marked the passing moments.


I think there are three kinds of believers in this world: Those who believe in people, those who believe in standards, and those who believe what their hearts speak to them.

I know that sounds a bit New-Agey. Haha.

(IMPORTANT POST-EDIT: This distinction may between different motivations of people may very well be a false dichotomy. Throughout this post, I talked about things in extremes. In any case, I do believe that they often come together, and sometimes a good balance is optimum to dealing well with a situation. That said, I still feel it is a zero-sum game; caring too much about goals will likely lead to sacrificing relationships, and vice versa)

My basic instinct is to follow people. I'd rather follow people over principles most of the time. I'm not saying that's right, though.

Sometimes I find myself more urged to pray for the healing of a relationship than for the healing of a friend's heart. I think that reflects a certain degree of self-centeredness. I don't loathe it because I think the desire for things to just be okay and stable is a natural one, but it is something that could be worked on... Off the top of my head I can think of at least three times I've been completely thoughtless, and one time when I completely misread a friend and caused him some embarrassment.

I remember a very unexpected conversation I had with a friend a long time ago. I was talking on the phone with him during Secondary school or JC and he started reciting questions from one of those "How well do you know X?" lists. I can't remember how I answered. Haha.

I've never really felt that I was good at remembering details about people. I always wrote it off thinking to myself that I had some kind of abstract understanding of my friends. If you had to raise your right or left hand, I'd know which one you'd pick. Something like that. I don't know how true that is, frankly, but in a sense I've never really spent time giving thought to what exactly my friends are unless a problem has arisen. When we're together just having fun or picking up chix at the bar, all I think of is how blessed I am to be with them.

But details are important. Small matters can have big consequences. Zhou Wubiao's emphasis on being meticulous as well as serving in PA crew during church service have both taught me the importance of details when it comes to work and study. Putting thought into every detail of my Zoo World zoo to make it as cultivated as possible has helped me to understand why girls put so much detailed thought into their dressing and habits.

Theory is different from practice though. Haha. If life was like DOTA, then all I can say is that lately I've more often than not been on the losing end of all three lanes of work/study, friendship/family, and my relationship with God. All I have left to say now is, that I'm trying to be more detailed. And that I'm hopeful that things will work out.


...Would you be mad if one day, if you found out I was more your follower than your friend? Definitely. Because followers rarely understand. They can seldom empathize. They can't comfort you because they don't know those intimate details that matter most. Perhaps one of the hardest things in this world to bear is the knowledge that you simply don't know how to ease the sorrow of someone you care about, that you don't know how to make things... right.

But be that as it may, followers still care, in their own naive, somewhat self-centered way. Followers can still have faith in you.

In this world, there are those who will follow men. These people will be pleasing in the eyes of men, and they will nurture and give of their care. But they may sometimes find themselves misled by the wrong people. Often enough, they will face disappointment, because they could not find the closeness that they sought, because they could not deal with the emptiness within and stop worrying long enough to take a good, long look at the people they admired but did not understand.

Then there are those who are defined by their willingness to follow standards and ideals above all other things. These are the people who will go on to do great and glorious things, to do what can be done and what must be done. These are the people who will take a stand for things that are bigger than any one men. These are the people who will never let standards bend or weaken imperceptibly. Yet they will have to face their fair share of painful conflict and broken hearts. They will lose friends over arguments and make plenty of enemies.

There are times when harmony between people and adherence to an ideal come into conflict with one another, and one must take precedence over the other. We're finite, and we can't just change what defines us on a whim. But we can try to let go of these self-concepts, and to me, the very best answer to this dilemma would be surrendering to God and letting him show us what is most important.

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Sometimes I start a post with a title, but there are times when I finish writing and I end up changing it to something else. It's only after writing it all out that I realize what it is I wanted to say in the first place. The name of a post has always been there. It didn't need to be named from nothing.

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"Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain, but you can't make a rainbow without a little rain." -Somebody





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POST-STORY INSERT:

In Indonesia, there is a famous and deeply regarded story (Not sure if it is historical or fictional) about the origins of Islam. Many centuries ago, a group of priests came to Indonesia by boat. They were known to the people as the Wali Songo (The name has something to do with the color 'White').

They found Indonesia to be a country already occupied by animism, Hinduism, and Buddhism. Introducing Islam would not be easy, and the Wali Songo debated amongst themselves how best to spread their religion. Two prominent figures arose (I will add in their names... once I stop being lazy). One believed that Islam should be introduced in an uncompromised, undiluted form. The other believed that slowly integrating their beliefs with the existing culture was the best way to spread Islam. He believed that in time, they could work towards purer forms of Islam.

Islam succeeded in spreading, but the differences between the two Wali Songo persisted through the strands of religion that followed. Today, Indonesia has many different groups of Muslims, whose beliefs exhibit varying levels of syncretism with older belief systems in the country. The diversity, and the religious conflict pertaining to it, may be said to have originated from the differences in ideology between those two priests.

Abstract (Not quite finished)

braving my fears/ braving the dangers chagrin happenstance mayhaps perspicacity perspicacious

Abstract (adjective) Abstraction (noun) Abstract (verb)

a full glass of woes, a glass full of sorrows.

Pour your heart out

"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last /more than passion or even sex!"
– Simone Signoret

"One of the toughest parts of life is deciding when to give up... or try harder"- Unknown

(Note: Add cool picture here)

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Sometimes we shouldn't say too much.

People have to, and can solve their own problems.

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If only life was like watching a TV show. At the end, you know for sure that you'll beat the bad guys, get the girl, and achieve your dream GPA.

Right now I'm listening to every upbeat and energetic song I can to stave off this feeling of inevitable defeat. I feel like the Gurren Lagann battleship sinking into the Anti-Spiral hyper-dense space ocean right now. Geoffrey Benjamin's knowledge may be a light of truth in an increasing unreal world of abridged half-truths, but right now he is nothing to me but a shadow on the minds of men, a dread terror upon their hearts.

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For the most part, I don't hate being alone.

Okay in the first place that's a blatant generalization caused by my need to sound emo. I have plenty of friends whom I trust and enjoy being with. I have a good family. I eat good food. My looks have a decent appeal to all the relevant demographics. I spend money foolishly. I have hobbies I love. Etc...

Sure, it'd be good to have someone who you could spend whole days with in quiet solitude or ridiculous gallivanting. Sure, it'd be nice to do assorted things with her that I haven't had the pleasure of trying out for these past 22.5 years. Sure, it'd be great to be with somebody right now, but I like to look at the positive side of things. I like being alone as often as I like being with people, and right now I have the freedom to spend my time as I please.

But there is one thing that I do truly hate about being alone... ...


.. ... And it's not written in white font. Lolz.


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Original Cryptic comment of the day:

"He who has a small glass shall drink little." -Benjamin Moey

A smile is just a smile

According to my schedule, I have 5.2 readings to do by tomorrow, but what the hey. Just two hours ago, I ended a 12-hour long contest of wills, and overcame my loathsome 219 essay with a last surge of strength. And now I sound the trumpet in praise of my indomitable will and kingly might. Verily, we are more than conquerors!

Anyway, on a completely random note, allow me to recount something to you. A week ago, I made a self-referential sexist joke to Sharon McLaren, within the flow of our ongoing online conversation. It went something like this:

"Me: I mean, even if I do have a good mind, I don't exactly have the best health or body. You on the other hand, have a nice body. (*The sound of lines being crossed)

Sharon: Hahaha"

You see, this joke is good partly because it plays effectively on stereotypes of sexism, but mostly because it's witty and cool. Saying it made me feel witty and cool. In an excess of confidence, I went and did the same thing with my lindy hop president, (btw guys I'm the vice-president a.k.a. the president of vices woahbenwordplaythatwasreallycoolyeahiknowwasn'tit)except this time I forgot the self-referential disclaimer. It went something like this:

"Me: Thanks for the round of chemistry practice [Note: This is an inside joke]. Maybe next time we should practice physics! [Note: Lack of disclaimer]

Carmela: yeah... lol..."

Immediately I realized my mistake. My looking-glass-self felt a strong sense of embarrassment and mortification, and I quickly moved to alter the consensual working definition of the situation by offering an 'excuse'. The situation was remedied and soon we both parted amicably.

May Schadenfreude have brought you great joy at observing this tale of fail (Woah snice one ben yeahiknowrightskillzthepillznicethespice). May my dismay brighten your day, friends.

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Ninpou: Kagemoe no jutsu!

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The one thing that guys will never fully get, and that some girls know only too well:

"You must remember this,
a kiss is just a kiss,
a smile is just a smile
you must remember this, as time goes by"

- "As Time Goes By", featured in the movie 'Casablanca' (I think...)


Damn her and her sharp Pakistani nose, twinkling eyes, and sunshine demeanor.

Blabber; Babble

Verily, she is the embodiment of grace and refinement, and to stand in the light of her blessed countenance is to know that God's favor shines upon thee. To be in her presence is to feel awkward and angular, rough-spoken and coarse by comparison; her eyes so distant and her brow so noble, her.... ... blargh this isn't working out. Not enough flowery womanly-beauty-worship words... ...

But know that she is not among us, dear readers. For if it were known to me that she should lower herself to mingle in this establishment of commoners, tribute would be unerringly paid to her at the beginning and end of every post. Such grace and beauty, the likes of which robs tongues of their wit, and minds of their clarity, ... ...

To be edited, eventually.

Hips don't lie

The above is currently the phrase of choice for certain merciless people who wish to make fun of my grievous (and now recovered) injury. Haha.

In some ways, my behavior varies greatly depending on the group of friends I'm with, be they from secondary school, JC, or university. I guess Whyte is right about us having as many different social selves as we do relationships (Or something like that).

Already, reflecting on sociological concepts in this manner is a sign of the influence of both my studies and my soci friends. I don't deny that both are important to me, but once in a while, insecurity can set in, and it becomes hard to welcome change, not knowing if we're leaving too much behind.

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But this, this is more like me. Or rather, this is also me, the one that has changed in slight ways, but remained roughly the same for the longest time.

This is me using my cool and melancholy and introspective voice.

This is the 'I' expressing the freest and calmest part of 'me', the part of the socialized self that is comfortable with analyzing and calculating, resenting and lamenting, adding and subtracting.

This is the voice in my head that occasional blares out 'DARKNESS UNENDING DARKNESS', because my a part of my subconscious is always telling me to go back
to the fantasy/sci-fi themed world of gaming, where I used to maintain my self-esteem through the pwnage of others, albeit in a dignified and restrained manner. It's tempting to go back to a world where I pwned people just as lava melts rock, as lions hunt antelope, as scissors cut paper, as paper wraps stone, as stone crushes scissors, etc...

Okay I wasn't that damn good. But I was pretty good.

Theoretical Statement 1: Self-worship is okay if extensively disclaimed by self-referential postmodernist writing.

"LIVE BY THE PWN, DIE BY THE PWN." -Newly coined phrase.

REVEL IN INSANITY WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. But I guess that's not really all that insane.

Btw Amellia if you're reading this, I lost your blog address while updating my Firefox!


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Alright. Back to reality.

Having a hip injury helps you to appreciate your legs more: The simple pleasure of walking effortlessly, the convenience of being able to run after a departing bus, the sheer enjoyment of dancing, and a whole list of other things could not be accomplished without them.

(Note : Trope- Major events happen in 3's... Is two too short and 4 too long?)

Having a TB-like cough that doesn't recover because you don't want to see a doctor helps you to appreciate your life more: The blessing of monotonous, comfortable breathing, the flow of a good conversation uninterrupted by coughs, a good and uneventful night's rest...

It doesn't help that the person who should be sweet and sympathetic has decided to express her niceness in the form of mocking laughter that fills the air, deriding my illness, my very existence even. Hahah.

But though these aren't terribly dramatic ill-fortunes, they've made me feel happier about life, more expectant to get to the day when I'm fully recovered. When that day comes, I'll waste less time hesitating. I'll shout HALLELUJAH and HADOKEN at seemingly random times, possibly together at once.


Today is a gift. That's why they call it the present. LOL. Cliche ending ftw.

There is truth in fiction.

Dear dod,

Grass is a many splendored thing.

And with you, guys would want more than flings.

So though you may have all the bling

And all the money lust can bring

Remember that you have a voice to sing

And shapely legs to jump and spring

Money doesn't mean a thing

When placed next to a wedding ring,
sincerely and lovingly presented.

And finally,

Getting rejected by hot girls, stings.

Stung many a time by hot girls, I have been.


And you too, have stung me of late,

So please stop with all the self-hate.

Eyes

In the popular action anime Naruto, some of the lead characters have abilities that allow their eyes to see what others cannot. They can see kilometers into the distance, see things behind the back of their head, see through objects and illusions, and even copy the movements and abilities of people just by watching them do it.

In the minds of young boys (and maybe adults too), it's an alluring fantasy to innately possess a trait that symbolizes your uniqueness and dominance over the common crowd.

But more seductive than that, perhaps, is this idea that you can see things that others can't, that you can discern invisible things and deep secrets just by looking at a person's face.

Some of us have this idea in our heads that we can tell what a person's character is like just from their physical appearance. One person, who is many years my senior, subscribes to this strongly and often has remarks to make about people just by looking at their pictures. Personally, she has much more life experience than I do and I can't simply discount what she says.

That said, I believe that yes, you can tell things about a person's character based on their facial features. The question, however, is whether or not we correctly interpret what it is we see. While the accuracy of such interpretations probably improves as we gain more experiences in life and meet more kinds of people, most of us would find it hard not to agree that in such a subjective matter, there should always be room for doubt.

But it's hard to let go of impressions based on such instinctual processes; to do so would be to deny affirmation to what we feel is our unconscious power. It's hard to relinquish the security that comes with being able to mark out who will or will not hurt you. There is a sort of pride and implication of spiritual ability (or maturity) that comes with the idea that we can read people.

It's thrilling to be able to know what comes next (like being able to predict the poorly-concealed gank attempts of lesser players). It's satisfying to say to others, "I knew it all along".

But sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, what's more important than being able to see the flaws in people is to be able to see the good in them.

I'm somebody with a short list of achievements, most of which only pertain to gaming. I didn't get stellar grades in primary or in secondary school. I'm not in a particularly prestigious branch of university education. I stopped playing the piano because of a lack of enthusiasm.

In spite of that, when it comes to being able to accomplish tasks (other than anything involving folding, tying ropes, or fitting things together), I'm confident in my ability to complete them or at least contribute to the process. I don't think I would have this same level of confidence if not for my mom and my friends, who give me reaffirmation from time to time.

Often, we need others to believe in us before we can achieve our fullest potential. The importance of loving yourself if an oft-taught moral lesson, but the reality remains that the average person needs at least a few important people to genuinely like and believe in them, before they can believe in themselves.

There are those people who laugh a little too loud, say the wrong thing out of nervousness, rub people the wrong way, or dance weird dances that are frowned upon by certain members of the larger dancing community. Too often and too easily do we write people off. Once in a while, I think it's worth it if we can open our eyes and see more in people than that which is before us.

P.S. Writing this, I'm at least somewhat aware that I've already crossed the line over into hypocrisy on this matter, several times at least. Well, I did say "Once in a while". Lol.


Cryptic comment of the day:

"If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. If you meet your father, kill your father. Free of everything you are bound by nothing, live the life that is given to you." -Genjou Sanzou, Saiyuki

Who dares, wins.

Friday night was only a partial victory. I managed to perform properly in front of an audience, but when it came to social dancing, I still couldn't find the guts to ask a total stranger to dance with me. Still, I guess every little bit counts.

Bonding with the Lindy people is going pretty well. Shaorav's wide move-list and his natural flair for dancing make me feel competitive at times, but I only get provoked by his abilities and not by him, which I think is fine.

This sem feels like a pivotal one, and yet Marie (Post note: Now it's just me) and I can't get motivated enough to get some decent work done. I think it's been two weeks since I did any serious reading. Looking at it from a GPA-only standpoint, this semester seems like the one to score as well as possible in. Next semester looks like its going to be a battle of attrition.


Cryptic comment of the day:

"The mightiest in arms may be but slaves to their swords."

Motivational comment of the day:

"Only those who fight uphill battles can get to plant their flag at the top."

I was a mimosa in my youth

In each person's heart, there is a hole. There is a black hole in the part of his heart that he does not tend to, the part that he avoids. We never really know exactly when it comes to take up a space in our hearts, but big or small, it's there. Look away long enough, and it starts to grow, pulling bits and pieces of your confidence and sanity into it with an inescapable gravitational force.

Every tangible thing inside you starts to get sucked into that black hole, making you feel emptier and emptier each day. And inside you, there's silence and a threatening disquiet. But this silence has a voice. It speaks. It asks you questions. It asks you if people are talking behind your back, if they're slowly excluding you from everything they do, if they can even be trusted at all. It asks you if your girlfriend really loves you or not, if there is really such a thing as love, if it's worth it even if it does exist. It asks you what life is, and if it is worth living.

The list grows longer. If you start to voice those questions out loud, if you start to give a voice to those questions... The best case scenario is that somebody with an enormous capacity for love will somehow fill that void for you, for awhile. The worst case scenario is that you won't have that person, and questions will be met with more questions.

At the end, there'll be nothing left but a vacuum with a hyper-dense ball of paranoia and anxiety in the center.

Science does not know much how to deal with black holes, but those who've lived with them for a long time do know a little. They know not to answer the questions that the silence poses, because the questions will never stop. They know that sometimes, the love of others isn't enough, because a black hole can suck in anything.

They know that dealing with it means seeing. Seeing that beyond all the haunting echoes of doubt and questioning in that seemingly endless void, there is something at the center, something real and tangible.

That tangible thing is, oddly enough, a question. A real question. And maybe in all those hearts that I have no insight into, the question is different for each of them. But for me, it's always been the same question... ... And my answer to it is yes. Or at least, it will be.

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"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." -Anias Nin

I once had a problem I could not resolve: If you are having doubts or resentments in a friendship/relationship, does speaking to the person about it constitute trust or doubt?

On one hand, it could be said that telling that person how you feel means that you trust that person enough to be honest... However, it could also be said that by telling that person your feelings, you do not trust that person because 1) You don't trust that the he/she knows you well enough or cares enough to figure it out on their own. (Or perhaps you have simply been too sensitive, despite their care) 2) You don't trust that ultimately, they are completely well-intentioned regardless of the fact that they unknowingly hurt you.

Or 3) A part of you no longer trusts them to care, and you want them to feel hurt when you tell them how you feel. You want to hurt them as much as they hurt you.


At the end of the day, I felt that regardless of whether you share or withhold your feelings, it all comes down to whether or not you do what you do in faith or faithlessness. If you believe in that person and the friendship you share, then you will ask with an open heart that will accept any answer, whether or not it heals or it hurts. If you don't believe in that person, nothing they say will truly touch your heart or mend your spirit.


But recently, it has occurred to me that merely asking a questions and sharing feelings implies some sense of doubt: "Why did you do this? How could you hurt me this way? Do you even care?".

I thought about for awhile, and I figured that ultimately, this works on two levels: Trust regarding the problem in question, and trust regarding the relationship itself.

Assuming that one acts in faith, then not talking to the person means having a strong belief that they have never had ill intentions towards you. However, this logically means that in approaching the person with your concerns, you admit that you doubt their intentions and that you do not understand their actions.

I think that doubt in this case is at least an honest doubt. And it is ultimately a reflection of trust on another level: Trust in that person's honesty and the foundations of the friendship you share.



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It's scary, once you realize that sometimes, who you are just might not cut it. It's scary once you realize that there's always a chance, even if it's just a slight chance, that people will suddenly turn their face from you and walk away.




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As I heard the various singers coming out on stage and singing to his words, his music... I thought then that it hadn't been a complete waste, that all the time he'd sacrificed had not simply been a desperate attempt to escape from reality; there had been meaning to it. It wasn't much, but it was something.

And I started thinking to myself that perhaps, because of my lack of forgiveness, I was missing out on something. I started thinking that maybe I would like to become the person that he never became... Perhaps because he never got the opportunity to become that person.

And I started thinking to myself that when it comes to other people, we should perhaps give them the benefit of the doubt when we can. Add in a good measure of determinism when evaluating their flaws. Because we can't judge fairly, neither were we called to judge them. The only thing we have been called to do is to forgive.

As for ourselves, we should cut out the determinism as much as possible, except when it comes to evaluating our weaknesses and coming up with ways to solve them. We shouldn't 'use our character flaws as an excuse', as a friend once said, because those of us who know we have a choice also know that we make choices deep in our heart, all the time, whether or not we're completely conscious of every choice we make. Ultimately, God is watching us make all these choices before him.




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I just had an epiphany.

Perfumes and colognes are for making other people aware of your presence. They enlarge that presence.

All this while, I thought they just smelled nice. It makes sense now that people pay hundreds of dollars to buy them.