Reminiscence- Feelings Not...

Out of all the blog entries ever written, some great proportion of them must have been written under great emotional duress or frustration. 'Emo' entries are generally frowned upon; there is something about this convenient and public display of raw feeling that disturbs us. But what exactly is it?

Do we harbour the idea that these entries have been engineered for the viewing pleasure of an audience, that there is nothing real behind the words but a desire to be heard and seen? Exhibitionism, or a cry for help? Whichever we decide it is, what makes it all so revolting?

Not being grown up enough? Not real or sincere? Or is raw emotion in itself just scary, and its expression an unjustified act, like a man running out into the street, naked in broad daylight?

I've written several of these kinds of entries myself, and when I scroll through the blog history I often find myself too abashed to read through them without skipping sentences at at a time. I think it's the need, the hopeless dependency on everything that will not save me, that disgusts me. A young man, 19 years of age, still writhing about in the grip of his emotions. A raw and desperate creature, clinging on to anything, anyone he can if it keeps him afloat for just a while. Scary. It is ironic how I pitied another person for this same weakness, a person who was more similar to me than I cared to admit.

I've written.. a lot of absurdly lengthy things to friends and once friends when I was in what could basically be described as a catatonic state of mind. I poured out my feelings without considering the context or the consequences beforehand.. And after many unpleasant experiences, I can say that I've learnt something. All words, written or spoken, require discipline. A quick and sharp tongue is indeed in the hold of the devil. A babbling tongue is fraught* with confusion and bewilderment, and is grotesque to behold. Pick the words that you say, and those that you do not say, with infinite care.

..And so I will not write whatever garbled message was coming into my mind just a moment ago.. The feelings linger, but one day I'll be able to convey them in the right words, the words that will give them, at the very least, the appearance of dignity, if not dignity itself... And somone will read them and think that maybe it's ok to feel lost like this once in awhile.

So to all the friends and the once friends who know all about the oversensitivities, the paranoia, and the emotional insecurities and have been forced to read all the stuff I've written with a feeling of alienation or incredible unease: Whoops. Peace.


...So it just occurred* to me that what I've just done might constitute as me encouraging myself. Oh the struggles with mental illness, feigned and unfeigned...



Trust means never needing to ask...