None at all
It didn't take me very long to conclude that the way you described me was somewhat close to the way that I'd been acting with some of my other friends. You've pinned me down with words by talking about how you imagined a defensive reaction from me. That really leaves me with little to say, doesn't it? Honestly, I'll say that, for the most part, I think what you felt about me was right, but I don't think how you reacted to it was right.
You should've said something... You should have gotten angry with me and said something instead of becoming more and more aloof as time went by. I felt it the whole way... and if I ever became more short-tempered or insensitive, it was definitely part of my frustration towards not knowing what to do, not being able to understand what was wrong. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I believe that the person I was then, and still am, would've made an effort to be more aware, to change for the sake of the first person he had ever admired, the first person he had ever wanted to be friends with instead of just gravitating naturally.
You talk about the choices that we make. You've also made some choices: The choice to not have faith in me, and the choice to walk away. I have always made the choice to stay, and to wait, even though I know it might not have gotten across to you through my actions. You stand from a distance, wondering why I should act so tastelessly, so foolishly. I don't regret it in the least, and you know how very often I am laden with regrets =) I'm glad I didn't embellish it. I'm glad I wrote a raw and ugly letter that reflects my raw and ugly heart.
I don't know how often we'll bump into each other, and I have no idea whether we'll be close or far apart in the years to come, but now I can definitely accept whatever comes. Thank you for sharing your reason with me, I'll take it to heart. Insenstivity, being obsessed with being right, impatience... I'm glad that that was all it was.
You should've said something... You should have gotten angry with me and said something instead of becoming more and more aloof as time went by. I felt it the whole way... and if I ever became more short-tempered or insensitive, it was definitely part of my frustration towards not knowing what to do, not being able to understand what was wrong. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I believe that the person I was then, and still am, would've made an effort to be more aware, to change for the sake of the first person he had ever admired, the first person he had ever wanted to be friends with instead of just gravitating naturally.
You talk about the choices that we make. You've also made some choices: The choice to not have faith in me, and the choice to walk away. I have always made the choice to stay, and to wait, even though I know it might not have gotten across to you through my actions. You stand from a distance, wondering why I should act so tastelessly, so foolishly. I don't regret it in the least, and you know how very often I am laden with regrets =) I'm glad I didn't embellish it. I'm glad I wrote a raw and ugly letter that reflects my raw and ugly heart.
I don't know how often we'll bump into each other, and I have no idea whether we'll be close or far apart in the years to come, but now I can definitely accept whatever comes. Thank you for sharing your reason with me, I'll take it to heart. Insenstivity, being obsessed with being right, impatience... I'm glad that that was all it was.
posted by moet at 7:00 AM
2 Comments:
I never walked away, I just paused and watched you move forward. The frustration and short temper only served to fuel the cold. Like I said, I don't look down upon you or our friendship, I kept silent because I am watching and waiting for the right time to pick up where we left off.
We are individuals with different and strong views on how things should be done in life. I choose not to judge or tell others what they are supposed to do, because we all make choices and the only thing we can do is to accept them or force them to follow OUR choice.
Sometimes, you just need to let go of the rudder and let the ship ride out the storm.
You have become a much better man than I, have no doubt. The path that we started walking together in BRMC has taken you to places I once wished I could have reached but I never had the courage to.
Yet you have much to learn about being a person in a relationship. I could bring up many examples of how your well meaning efforts to retain a friendship ended up destroying them... This is certainly not the first time. So please, be patient, let this be...
I have always watched out for you Benny Ray... from barker, oldham hall, jc and army... It was... an interesting ride.. Never directly because I realised early on, you'd never change what you believe in. If you ask me why I have this impression, think back to the times when you were late for guitar lessons, the bag I bought you, etc... you always stuck to your guns and I admire that and accept that.
Yes, I made the decision to stand still and watch you, but i never lost faith in you. In little ways I always tried to bridge the gap, joining what initially was your trip to the US, asking you to play WoW, meeting your clique of friend in NTU. But it never really played out quite right.
For the record, I never wanted to defend my actions or explain it. And I guessed right what triggered your letter. She means well, but she certainly had no idea you would react as such. But I did. Why?
Not because I'm a mensan that you so gleefully mock, or any sort of mind reading player... But becuase I have been your friend for years and we have seen each other through some deep shit. I watched how you reacted to situations that no one else ever saw, I listened to the way you think and read the words you wrote...
I am sorry that my actions hurt you and confused you. But step back and look at what you know about me. Remember the talks we had in oldham hall, on bed N4101 and N4102. Remember who I am. If you do, you'll never doubt my friendship.
" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb
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