A Strong Tower
I feel that God has blessed me with two things last year: A voice to speak out about the things I feel strongly, and the perseverance to not let my doubts get the best of me (most of the time). They came at a cost, though. I started arguments over things that were long past, and given the circumstances, the people I started them with really did not need to hear it. I got disappointed even though I knew what I was doing was hardly wise, because a part of me was hoping that they would accept what I said anyway. And now, there may be at least one person who feels unable to recognize the person I am.
Sharon wrote that she was a person who had short term memory but remembered certain past events down to the details. I used to think of myself like that too, but now when I try to summon the memories that I held on to, tenderly at times, desperately at others, nothing comes to mind. I thought for awhile that perhaps I had begun to resent it... but maybe I just don't miss it as much I used to. New joys and disappointments took their place, experiences I shared with both friends new and old. I've become less hesitant and more decisive/foolhardy, and my happiness and sadness are both magnified by the anticipation that comes with taking a leap into the unknown. But most of the time, I'm just happy I chose to jump, haha.
I still don't know what the main reason is for friends to part. Is it that we change and become mutually unrecognizable? Is it physical distance or temporal separation? Is it because we become too frustrated, both sides too complacent to really listen to each other, having lost the desire to maintain contact? ... Is it enough just to have desire and the will to keep things going? My mom told me that it's always best to leave things open-ended, and perhaps it's likely that 49 years of life have taught her a little something about human nature, but it's still something I find hard to accept... I felt God telling me in the middle of this year that an identity grounded in anything besides him, even friendships, is a life unfulfilled. I've thought about it and I've made adjustments, but I still haven't struck a balance that I'm satisfied with.
I went with Aaron to Kei's house today and we took turns falling asleep on his couch. It really was an incredibly peaceful and refreshing day. The walk to Holland Village was great and hopefully, my 1 year long curse has been lifted. I can't believe I went to Boston looking so awful. I've made a resolution to not be so worried about my appearance, but... it was awful. Shit.
If there's anything that's stuck with me from the past year, it would be the reminder that I'll be judged if I choose to judge and condemn others.
If you think you're humble, there's always somebody who bows lower. If you think you're good looking, there's always someone with softer hair or harder muscles. If you think you're right, there's always another side to the story. If you think you're good at Dota, there's always a small handful of the world's population that is better than you. The practicality of trying to be humble in comparisons with others is that you don't ever have to waste energy getting taken by surprise. I got taken by surprise a fair bit this year, with my doubting and my distrust and my criticism. I started running headfirst into new situations, sometimes faithful and sometimes foolhardy, and without time to consider my actions or reflect on the day, a lot of things bubbled to the surface. Resentment, callousness, self-indulgence, and jealousy. =/ Well. As Kader and Mark like to say, "Still growing."
But it all makes me glad when I think about all that things that happened in primary school and my behavior when I was younger. It was all a gift in the end, because those experiences taught me not to do things that I would regret. Life now is a gift too, with old friends like maturing wine, new friends like erm...whiskey haha, and peace and comfort and food and school and health and church. The first gift was, and always is life, the chance to exist and to feel, and to just be there with friends and family.
2009 is here, a year of T-shirt making, lindy hopping, 'foreign-labouring', and learning and plain messing around. May it also be a year of reconciliation and hope =)
[NIV] Romans 5:3-5: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Sharon wrote that she was a person who had short term memory but remembered certain past events down to the details. I used to think of myself like that too, but now when I try to summon the memories that I held on to, tenderly at times, desperately at others, nothing comes to mind. I thought for awhile that perhaps I had begun to resent it... but maybe I just don't miss it as much I used to. New joys and disappointments took their place, experiences I shared with both friends new and old. I've become less hesitant and more decisive/foolhardy, and my happiness and sadness are both magnified by the anticipation that comes with taking a leap into the unknown. But most of the time, I'm just happy I chose to jump, haha.
I still don't know what the main reason is for friends to part. Is it that we change and become mutually unrecognizable? Is it physical distance or temporal separation? Is it because we become too frustrated, both sides too complacent to really listen to each other, having lost the desire to maintain contact? ... Is it enough just to have desire and the will to keep things going? My mom told me that it's always best to leave things open-ended, and perhaps it's likely that 49 years of life have taught her a little something about human nature, but it's still something I find hard to accept... I felt God telling me in the middle of this year that an identity grounded in anything besides him, even friendships, is a life unfulfilled. I've thought about it and I've made adjustments, but I still haven't struck a balance that I'm satisfied with.
I went with Aaron to Kei's house today and we took turns falling asleep on his couch. It really was an incredibly peaceful and refreshing day. The walk to Holland Village was great and hopefully, my 1 year long curse has been lifted. I can't believe I went to Boston looking so awful. I've made a resolution to not be so worried about my appearance, but... it was awful. Shit.
If there's anything that's stuck with me from the past year, it would be the reminder that I'll be judged if I choose to judge and condemn others.
If you think you're humble, there's always somebody who bows lower. If you think you're good looking, there's always someone with softer hair or harder muscles. If you think you're right, there's always another side to the story. If you think you're good at Dota, there's always a small handful of the world's population that is better than you. The practicality of trying to be humble in comparisons with others is that you don't ever have to waste energy getting taken by surprise. I got taken by surprise a fair bit this year, with my doubting and my distrust and my criticism. I started running headfirst into new situations, sometimes faithful and sometimes foolhardy, and without time to consider my actions or reflect on the day, a lot of things bubbled to the surface. Resentment, callousness, self-indulgence, and jealousy. =/ Well. As Kader and Mark like to say, "Still growing."
But it all makes me glad when I think about all that things that happened in primary school and my behavior when I was younger. It was all a gift in the end, because those experiences taught me not to do things that I would regret. Life now is a gift too, with old friends like maturing wine, new friends like erm...whiskey haha, and peace and comfort and food and school and health and church. The first gift was, and always is life, the chance to exist and to feel, and to just be there with friends and family.
2009 is here, a year of T-shirt making, lindy hopping, 'foreign-labouring', and learning and plain messing around. May it also be a year of reconciliation and hope =)
[NIV] Romans 5:3-5: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
posted by moet at 3:34 AM
2 Comments:
haha not just growth but POSITIVE growth =))
it's the shared moments of bliss & bonds fostered over time that keeps friends together!
i reckon the extent to which an individual cherishes them will determine just how much a friendship wanes. we never let go what is dear to us, it's human nature.provided it's for the better.... quality vs quantity too.
hahaaaaa hmmm i wonder if being left for dead in Left 4 Dead will be the undoing of our many yrs of friendship moesy! LOLZ
Hahahaha I can see you were affected by that unwarranted abandonment. Lolol. Hoohoo. Haha chill marky it was just for the novelty. In a real zombie breakout, you know I've got your back =) Probably.
Well I agree, but I guess it has to be mutual. Well don't let virtual betrayal be the barometer for the health of our friendship. ahhahaha
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