Open End
It's been a while.
The past few months of my life have been sheer chaos. There were times when I couldn't tell when one day ended and another began. Sometimes it felt like I would get up in the morning, only to look down and see the corpse of the person I once was.
Right now all I want to do is write in the most lyrical prose, to feel words and emotion flowing out of me. But to be honest, it's been a long time since I've done this, and I feel choked up. Bottled up.
Last semester, I came to school in a spirit of great pride. In my head there was the sounding of trumpets and the voices of heralds proclaiming my glory. I thought I was going to achieve in every aspect of my life: Sociology, writing, dancing, the healing of broken friendships. But I was proud in my heart, and I think God couldn't let that pass.
In the end I ended up with even more broken relationships, zero progress in my writing, the worst grades I have ever had, and a pair of shaky legs for the bigger part of the semester (though by God's grace and the hard work of the rest, things worked out great). Besides JC 1, I think this period was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Losing the trust of all the people I cared about... Losing the trust and affection of the person I cared about most, and having to go through exams completely alone for the first time... The pain was unbearable. I could barely think or sleep. Every other moment I obsessed about how to make things better, how I could turn things around. I contemplated all the ways I would return suffering to those who I thought were responsible for my situation. My heart was always seized with pain, and my head was numb every day. In my heart I cursed the world and I cursed myself.
And I cannot describe how badly it felt. Well, it was bad enough that I'm now willing to break all guidelines of tastefulness to even try. Lolz. God's compassion, and the compassion of the friends who would still talk to me... There is just no way I could've gotten through that time the way that I did.
Ever since the YEP trip last year, I began to realize just how deeply-rooted my need for the approval of others was. YEP showed me how frightened I was of the opinions of others. The episode in school showed me how insecure and how foolish I could be when I wasn't confident in myself or in my relationships. And somehow, in spite of all that self-consciousness and constant self-monitoring, I never noticed all the times that I failed to truly own up to mistakes I had made, to deal with the consequences of my actions instead of avoiding them out of pride or fear.
I guess that in the past I would have written all this with all the self-recrimination I could muster. I'm not really feeling it now though. As painful as it was, what's past is past. There were a lot of lessons to be learnt, and I honestly do not know if I have learnt what I ought to have learnt, or if the lessons will stick. The past 11 weeks went by in a flash. There were so many days where things seemed completely out of control, where there were no neat endings, no resolutions, no closure. But if there's anything I do know, it's that I lived each day in the moment, pushing myself to do my best, and relying on God to help me with all the things I couldn't control. I haven't accomplished all the things that I set out to do. Heck. My GP project is dead in the water. But I know now... I know with a certainty that God is faithful, and that he has done amazing things in my life this semester. And I know now that I should be more patient about the things that worry me most, because he makes all things beautiful in their time. I know this now in a way that I could not know it before, in way that words could not teach me.
In the end, there are just too many things that cannot be controlled- circumstances, results, and the things that people think about you are simply a few of them. There are only a few things that we can do in recognition of this. Plan ahead as far as you conceivably can. Act calmly, in a way that shows respect to the people around you. Pray to the Lord to ask where you should go. Stand firm and persevere. Live as honestly as you can, deal as fairly as you can, and worry as little as you can.
"Life's too short to be burdened by people who don't genuinely want to be with you." -Beatrice Tay
The past few months of my life have been sheer chaos. There were times when I couldn't tell when one day ended and another began. Sometimes it felt like I would get up in the morning, only to look down and see the corpse of the person I once was.
Right now all I want to do is write in the most lyrical prose, to feel words and emotion flowing out of me. But to be honest, it's been a long time since I've done this, and I feel choked up. Bottled up.
Last semester, I came to school in a spirit of great pride. In my head there was the sounding of trumpets and the voices of heralds proclaiming my glory. I thought I was going to achieve in every aspect of my life: Sociology, writing, dancing, the healing of broken friendships. But I was proud in my heart, and I think God couldn't let that pass.
In the end I ended up with even more broken relationships, zero progress in my writing, the worst grades I have ever had, and a pair of shaky legs for the bigger part of the semester (though by God's grace and the hard work of the rest, things worked out great). Besides JC 1, I think this period was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. Losing the trust of all the people I cared about... Losing the trust and affection of the person I cared about most, and having to go through exams completely alone for the first time... The pain was unbearable. I could barely think or sleep. Every other moment I obsessed about how to make things better, how I could turn things around. I contemplated all the ways I would return suffering to those who I thought were responsible for my situation. My heart was always seized with pain, and my head was numb every day. In my heart I cursed the world and I cursed myself.
And I cannot describe how badly it felt. Well, it was bad enough that I'm now willing to break all guidelines of tastefulness to even try. Lolz. God's compassion, and the compassion of the friends who would still talk to me... There is just no way I could've gotten through that time the way that I did.
Ever since the YEP trip last year, I began to realize just how deeply-rooted my need for the approval of others was. YEP showed me how frightened I was of the opinions of others. The episode in school showed me how insecure and how foolish I could be when I wasn't confident in myself or in my relationships. And somehow, in spite of all that self-consciousness and constant self-monitoring, I never noticed all the times that I failed to truly own up to mistakes I had made, to deal with the consequences of my actions instead of avoiding them out of pride or fear.
I guess that in the past I would have written all this with all the self-recrimination I could muster. I'm not really feeling it now though. As painful as it was, what's past is past. There were a lot of lessons to be learnt, and I honestly do not know if I have learnt what I ought to have learnt, or if the lessons will stick. The past 11 weeks went by in a flash. There were so many days where things seemed completely out of control, where there were no neat endings, no resolutions, no closure. But if there's anything I do know, it's that I lived each day in the moment, pushing myself to do my best, and relying on God to help me with all the things I couldn't control. I haven't accomplished all the things that I set out to do. Heck. My GP project is dead in the water. But I know now... I know with a certainty that God is faithful, and that he has done amazing things in my life this semester. And I know now that I should be more patient about the things that worry me most, because he makes all things beautiful in their time. I know this now in a way that I could not know it before, in way that words could not teach me.
In the end, there are just too many things that cannot be controlled- circumstances, results, and the things that people think about you are simply a few of them. There are only a few things that we can do in recognition of this. Plan ahead as far as you conceivably can. Act calmly, in a way that shows respect to the people around you. Pray to the Lord to ask where you should go. Stand firm and persevere. Live as honestly as you can, deal as fairly as you can, and worry as little as you can.
"Life's too short to be burdened by people who don't genuinely want to be with you." -Beatrice Tay
posted by moet at 8:10 AM
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