Crossing Broken Bridges

I don't think I'm the kind of person who makes an active effort to keep in contact with the various people i meet throughout my life... I prefer to keep close to the people that I really have an affinity with, and often I lack the motivation to talk to anybody else. That combined with the fact that I sometimes pour my time into solitary activities, and that I am plain lazy to use MSN means that 'hermit' might be an appropriate term for me.

I've never really regretted my habits of keeping contact with my friends, but I do wonder if a policy review is in order...

There must be some portion of me that's very self-centered. Past this point I might have gone on to write about how having few but close friends becomes terrible when you lose any of them, or how more friends equates to more opportunities in life blah blah blah.... That doesn't really mean very much.

Might as well try to be constructive.

Objective: Be a more reliable FDS member. Get OSM!

Areas for Improvement:

Work on uniform: Minimum ironing job, Fix pass, Get missing SBO items from beach road

During duty:

1) Look very fierce if holding rifle. Challenge to self: Be alert.
2) Check thoroughly. Especially friendly strangers.
3) Don't let cars through the gate assuming that their * is 100%
4) Be polite and firm. Do not let domineering people have their way. Make every small thing I do seem like a favor to them.

During rest-time:

1) Help out in stores every mounting.
2) Pack up every dismount.
3) Change bin at least twice per mounting.
4) Go to rear gate at least 3 times.

Stores:

1) Check slowly. Check working condition and physical condition of things.


Accomplish mission by: Middle of March

Power, Absolute POWER

Reached level 21 on monday. The magic is mine, and MINE alone.

CNY season is over... Had steamboat in base, and blasted the days away playing WOW and virtual soccer. Years from now, if I am able to see grandchildren, CNY might be like.. 'Hello Grandpa, speak some chinese for me.' and then " Here's your money, you little punk. Scram."



Will watch: Shiri, Letters from Iwojima

Will read: C.S. Lewis, the four loves. Jodi Picoult, Keeping Faith

Reminiscence- Feelings Not...

Out of all the blog entries ever written, some great proportion of them must have been written under great emotional duress or frustration. 'Emo' entries are generally frowned upon; there is something about this convenient and public display of raw feeling that disturbs us. But what exactly is it?

Do we harbour the idea that these entries have been engineered for the viewing pleasure of an audience, that there is nothing real behind the words but a desire to be heard and seen? Exhibitionism, or a cry for help? Whichever we decide it is, what makes it all so revolting?

Not being grown up enough? Not real or sincere? Or is raw emotion in itself just scary, and its expression an unjustified act, like a man running out into the street, naked in broad daylight?

I've written several of these kinds of entries myself, and when I scroll through the blog history I often find myself too abashed to read through them without skipping sentences at at a time. I think it's the need, the hopeless dependency on everything that will not save me, that disgusts me. A young man, 19 years of age, still writhing about in the grip of his emotions. A raw and desperate creature, clinging on to anything, anyone he can if it keeps him afloat for just a while. Scary. It is ironic how I pitied another person for this same weakness, a person who was more similar to me than I cared to admit.

I've written.. a lot of absurdly lengthy things to friends and once friends when I was in what could basically be described as a catatonic state of mind. I poured out my feelings without considering the context or the consequences beforehand.. And after many unpleasant experiences, I can say that I've learnt something. All words, written or spoken, require discipline. A quick and sharp tongue is indeed in the hold of the devil. A babbling tongue is fraught* with confusion and bewilderment, and is grotesque to behold. Pick the words that you say, and those that you do not say, with infinite care.

..And so I will not write whatever garbled message was coming into my mind just a moment ago.. The feelings linger, but one day I'll be able to convey them in the right words, the words that will give them, at the very least, the appearance of dignity, if not dignity itself... And somone will read them and think that maybe it's ok to feel lost like this once in awhile.

So to all the friends and the once friends who know all about the oversensitivities, the paranoia, and the emotional insecurities and have been forced to read all the stuff I've written with a feeling of alienation or incredible unease: Whoops. Peace.


...So it just occurred* to me that what I've just done might constitute as me encouraging myself. Oh the struggles with mental illness, feigned and unfeigned...



Trust means never needing to ask...