get on back to the falls of truth, you'll pull it out like a wisdom tooth

These past few months, I was blessed to overcome circumstances that I thought were insurmountable. I experienced new joys and got through difficult times together with my friends.

I also made mistakes that I never thought I would. I was careless and hurt people in ways I never thought I was capable of.

Only on the basis of truth can we see ourselves, where we've fallen short.

Lately though, I've had the hardest time facing some ugly truths. That I'm self-destructively lazy, especially when people aren't watching. That I'm not the harmless little saint I quietly thought I was. That I can bear resentments and remain bitter for unreasonable amounts of time.




If I've learned anything these past few months, it would be these 5 things:

1) If there's something you think you will never do, chances are that you're wrong.

2) Friendship is a privilege, not a right.

3) If you are fueled by neither quiet confidence nor rushing adrenaline, do NOT say aloud the edgy, provocative joke you are thinking of in your head.

4) Small mistakes have big consequences.

5) There will always, always be gorgeous and unattainable women, wherever you go. So no rush. Failure will always be an available option.



Also,

CARRIERS HAVE ARRIVED.

Sincerity

"In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength." -General Iroh, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Awesome cartoon. The shout out episode to the WWF was epic. Now they have this cool blind Earth bender girl following them.

(Post-Note: 3 seasons down. THIS SHOW IS AWESOME.)

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Long conversations delight, and long journeys together are a pleasure.

During my trip to Cambodia, we visited several orphanages and homes for underprivileged kids. On one of those trips, I was having diarrhea and decided to stay in the van instead of interacting with the kids. My sickness wasn't the only thing keeping me in the van, though. During the short time I was out there, I felt awkward and unconfident around the kids. I didn't know how to relate to them. You can't talk shop with them. You can't banter with them. You can't even exert the force of your masculine charms on them.

Watching Marie and Mych laughing and smiling with the kids made me think that when it comes to children, sincerity and warmth are of the utmost importance. Even if you're nervous, being open and sharing some of that emotion is important to building an honest connection; if you don't lie to them, it is... less likely... that you will end up seeing yourself as a liar, or lying to yourself. Exuding warmth lets them know that they are loveable, and that you find it a pleasure to be with them.

On a side note...

I think that there is a significant stream of public opinion that has taken a very wrong turn with regards to ideas about love and identity/selfhood (Yeap, I'm with the other stream). To reduce the length of a long and rambling rant-
Just as much as love is about tenderness and taking the time to understand your loved ones, it can also be about uncompromising measures and harsh silences. As much as I hate my Mom sometimes for some of her extreme behavior, I think we (her kids) would be in a sorry state without her stern hand and discipline.

I also think 'love yourself', 'be proud of who you are', and 'be yourself', have also become half-truths which prize personal indulgence and comfort above all else. To me, loving and accepting yourself means that you don't let yourself be undiscerningly swayed by the opinions of every other person about who or what you ought to be. But that doesn't mean that you deny the importance of change and improvement and maturity. It doesn't mean that you ignore the likelihood that those who love you have some very important things to say about your character.


But anyway...

Recently I joined a Youth Expedition Project to help kids in Vietnam. On the first day, we had to introduce ourselves. I was feeling a little experimental so I decided to think up a good line and start with a sarcastic opener.

It totally flopped. Barely got a chuckle.

Now I could explain this away by suggesting a lack of appreciation of sarcastic humor on the part of the audience, or by theorizing the existence of implicit social constraints on interaction in that context (DAMN THOSE LAWFUL GOOD DO-GOODERS). But I think sincerity had a part to play as well (Sorry if it seems like I'm forcing a point, haha). Good humor and laughter aren't necessary products of sincere interaction, but now I know for certain that if your behavior extends from what you feel is your true sense of self, then you will almost always feel grounded and confident. There isn't always a need to make a splash. High aggro means you do high DPS, but it also means you'll always have some asshole on your back. ITS BETTER TO BE A PRIEST AND TREAD THE LINE BETWEEN LIGHT AND DARKNESS AND MANIPULATE THE TEAM FROM THE SHADOWS

...

GDOP last Sunday was a good experience. It brought me out of my shell and helped me progress in terms of praying openly with others. It was discomfiting at times though; listening to much more grounded Christians praying made me feel nervous and unconfident. I think that in times like these, I have to try harder to listen to God and to be sincere in my own words, or else I will get very lost.



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kind-harsh/gentle; edify/build-up

embellish

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"Knowledge is power- The power to make people feel stupid."

"I aim to misbehave." -Captain Malcolm Reynolds, from the show "Firefly" by Joss Whedon

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Irony is a hard word to use properly, as Richard Castle rightly points out.

Manipulate

This is a black and white world. Our choices are black and white choices. Terrible resolution makes it all seem gray.

And past all the clothes we wear and all the smiles we put on, when all the decoration is stripped away... You either are or you aren't.

To manipulate something is to handle it, causing it to act in certain ways according to your choosing. The word doesn't necessarily have to bear the overt meanings of deception or trickery that it so often carries today.

When you use words to convince someone of something, you manipulate them in a sense. You try to get a handle on/(handle) their thought processes and feelings, and cause them to think, act, and feel in a certain way. You manipulate them, though not necessarily in a deceptive fashion.

Or maybe you are manipulating them in the common sense of the word. Maybe you manipulate yourself a little as well, just to help things along.

Life gives you the answer to as to which it is. You will get the chance to see now what you couldn't see then. You will get the chance to learn from the mistake that you didn't know you were making.

But it's still just a chance/choice/chance.


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Some days you take a roundabout route to say something with flair, but by the time you've made a circle, you realize what you had to say was truly forgettable... A platitude. Ha.