When you stare into the abyss long enough, it stares back at you.

Or so somebody wrote.

But it's true. I have passed through that gray, endless wasteland. I have walked the lengths of its monotone, lifeless hallways. I have eaten the food in its canteens, food that turns into ashes once it enters your mouth. I have strived hopelessly against its impenetrable wall of silence. I have escaped it, but a part of the darkness remains. Or something like that.

Just a few years back, I thought solitary confinement was a stupid punishment. Now I know better. Ha.

--------------------------

Badminton for two hours was followed by two intense hours of Left4Dead. A day well spent.

Dokun dokun dokun

Double your concentration, release the Ip Man within.

Songs to get:

Broken Strings by James Morrison

A Moment Like This by Leona Lewis

Can't Take My Eyes Off You by (Insert singer from the big band music genre)

I've never heard anything by Kanye West, but I saw him while he was receiving a Brit award. Here is an rough excerpt from his speech:

"I'm pretty sure that there are some people out there who deserve this award more than me, but I don't know who they are."

Lol.

Unfold

The night we were having drinks at Brotzeit Harbourfront, Kader started sharing some previously unheard experiences from JC life. I remember thinking at the time that it felt very right, the way the story came out without prodding or prompting, like it was finally the proper time for it to be told.

Haha. In the face of a recent spate of delinquent activity in school, I've been forced to start meeting some new people =/ It's not bad, but I'm still hoping for everyone to reform soon =/

A Night Out With Her

It's the night out with Her.

He's stressed to impress,

Overdressed, hair's a mess, can't tell more is just less.

Don't know less is just more,

Will he be a bore? How will he soar? Best consult the lore.

The book says:
Not too cold,
Not too hot,
will impress her a lot.
Pick your spot,
Plot your plot,
Sell well and she's bought.

Puff up, look tough,
Be buff, feel rough.
Be proud but don't boast
or you'll end up like toast.

Go one more mile,
Plaster your smile,
Practice your guile,
Have cash in piles.

The book's said it all,
Now he doesn't feel small,
He'll walk tall, He'll vault walls,
He'll be on the ball.

Then the phone rings, it's a call.
He picks up, it is Her.

HeySTUitismeguesswhatI'mnotfree
letsmeetuptomorrownextweekmonthornever?

Yeah, That's cool. He says

That's great. See ya! She says.

He puts down the phone, turns on his com, and starts playing Left4Dead.

Fall to fly; holding on, letting go

Managing to cancel my driving slot tomorrow has made my life a lot easier.

Daiso is the new place to be. Vivocity is a good chilling spot.

I need to find an eatery with awesome fish beehoon milk soup, and another place with beef kway teow.

Tartan jackets may not be the thing for me, but the idea still appeals.

Next year, I'm going to attempt to work at Zara during the 3 month break, learn more about looking good, and fulfill my own ideal of a good service person.

'There's no point trying to go with the flow if the flow has flown away'. -Famous words of an intoxicated Kader-liberal.

From today's conversation with the Old'ams, I've come to a conclusion on something. Learning to live life skilfully is just like learning to be pro at Dota (I'm sure Kei would sigh in disgust if he read this). Planning, reflection, fruitless attempts at creativity, and hours of painfully ungratifying practice are what is needed before you can internalize everything, take your science, and make it into an art. 'Go with the flow' is something reserved for professionals and talented people, neither of which I am if it comes to the game of life. For some time, a part of me thought that trying to gain more wisdom and planning ahead meant giving up on faith and conviction, but now I see that whether a person is a plotter or a fool has nothing to do with what's in their hearts.

I gave up playing, not really because I wanted to pursue other things, but because I realized that most of the time, it was a form of escape for me. In retrospect, perhaps that's why I never really had the ambition to try and reach for the top. For the past two years, I've slowly started throwing myself into new situations, from cell group and church to expressing resentments or plainly speaking my mind. A lot of the time, all I got was fleeting happiness and painful growing moments, hope kindled and hope dashed.

But going through it all gives me the assurance that neither I nor my life is immutable or unchangeable. The sky these past two weeks has been beautiful and majestic, and looking it at makes me think that I really am a free creature, no matter how trapped I feel at times.

The freedom to make stupid clothing and haircut decisions.

The freedom to eat good food on a whim and to gallivant around a peaceful country.

The freedom to bask in the warmth of a sunny day and just stare at the grand blue sky.

The freedom of having always having a place to go back to.

The freedom to be seen and yet not care who's watching.

The freedom that comes with knowing God is always near whether we know it or not, knowing that to him, being a good person is not as important as just spending time with Him everyday.

"There us a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven..." -Ecclesiastes 3:1-9

None at all

It didn't take me very long to conclude that the way you described me was somewhat close to the way that I'd been acting with some of my other friends. You've pinned me down with words by talking about how you imagined a defensive reaction from me. That really leaves me with little to say, doesn't it? Honestly, I'll say that, for the most part, I think what you felt about me was right, but I don't think how you reacted to it was right.

You should've said something... You should have gotten angry with me and said something instead of becoming more and more aloof as time went by. I felt it the whole way... and if I ever became more short-tempered or insensitive, it was definitely part of my frustration towards not knowing what to do, not being able to understand what was wrong. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I believe that the person I was then, and still am, would've made an effort to be more aware, to change for the sake of the first person he had ever admired, the first person he had ever wanted to be friends with instead of just gravitating naturally.

You talk about the choices that we make. You've also made some choices: The choice to not have faith in me, and the choice to walk away. I have always made the choice to stay, and to wait, even though I know it might not have gotten across to you through my actions. You stand from a distance, wondering why I should act so tastelessly, so foolishly. I don't regret it in the least, and you know how very often I am laden with regrets =) I'm glad I didn't embellish it. I'm glad I wrote a raw and ugly letter that reflects my raw and ugly heart.

I don't know how often we'll bump into each other, and I have no idea whether we'll be close or far apart in the years to come, but now I can definitely accept whatever comes. Thank you for sharing your reason with me, I'll take it to heart. Insenstivity, being obsessed with being right, impatience... I'm glad that that was all it was.

Sow it shut.

Thank you for the advice. I'll take it to heart.

'Wonderful World' by James Morrison

I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

Sometimes I feel so full of love
It just comes spilling out
It's uncomfortable to see
I give it away so easily
But if I had someone I would do anything
I'd never, never, ever let you feel alone
I won't I won't leave you, on your own

But who am I to dream?
Dreams are for fools, they let you down...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I wish that I could make it better
I'd give anything for you to call me, or maybe just a little letter
Oh, we could start again

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
I can't feel it right now
I got all the right clothes to wear
I just want to cry now
Well I know that it's a wonderful world
From the sky down to the sea
But I can only see it when you're here, here with me

And I know that it's a wonderful world
When you're with me

I've come to Sociology to socialize.

It's such a fine day, but I can't bring myself to enjoy the stillness and the gentle breezes. HS203 lecture was a mixed bag. On one hand, we got a lecturer with a thick Chinese accent. On the other hand, we got Harry as a tutor. At least the topic material looks interesting.

I think a fine goal for have a soci student would be the ability to socialize everywhere. Haha. I think doing soci well means gaining some amount of understanding of many different things in the world, and to be acutely aware of cultural differences and sensitivities. All this would be reflected by the ability to carry conversation with as diverse a group of people as possible. My new year's resolution shall be refinement!

I met Ooi on the bus and got to spend some time catching up with him. (There were a lot of quaint, chance meetings today. Darren, Ash, Ezek. and co.) It was not just like old times, but it was still good. It was the first time in a long while that I'd heard Ooi express real discontentment over something, but he takes it all in his stride as usual... Today was so still, and yet changes are happening in places both near and far. I guess I'll have to listen more closely.

The High Inquisitor.

First day of school. Joyous reunions. Dozing off in hall. Sumptuous mixed rice. 60 cent bandung. I didn't realize how much I would miss it all.

In moments of weakness, a person can do things and act in ways that make them unrecognizable to you. Psychology talked about 'generativity': The tendency for people to turn their attention towards supporting and sustaining others when they have already gained a strong sense of personal achievement and fulfillment. If an adult is not able to gain this sense of closure and completeness, he will carry on living life for his/her own sake, indulging himself till he can move on.

This theory might describe the difference between parents who support their childrens' growth and parents who live out their lives through their kids. But I guess I'm beginning to go off tangent from what I wanted to say... I guess it's easier to recognize a person's character when they are strong, and to feel disgusted with the side of them that is weak. It's easier to judge that neediness, that self-absorbedness, that spitefulness or that flippancy, rather than to try to understand, though it can all seem so utterly incomprehensible at times. I know how I'd like to be judged, but it's hard to put it in practice when it comes to others.


Jemma's sharing today during cell group made me think... Moses was a man who spoke with God, face to face. He was never described as perfect. Imperfection suited him much more, and yet God used him to lead the Israelites. I don't think he became so close to God by pouring all his efforts into trying to become a better Hebrew or purifying his imperfections, rather he just kept talking with him everyday, and let God move through his imperfect person. Maybe that's all that needed at the end of each day, and I've lost sight of that a little. Recently, it's always been about results, good behavior and good attitude that I can evaluate and observe, but maybe that's not what's most important.

I feel I've finally managed to strike the right balance in terms between wanting to know them better and just focusing on the study. It always so stressful going in when I first started attending. Now I don't think twice as often as I used to. What will be, will be.

Haha. I just remembered Staff Poh and what he used to say about charging up the 'friendship power bar'.

A Strong Tower

I feel that God has blessed me with two things last year: A voice to speak out about the things I feel strongly, and the perseverance to not let my doubts get the best of me (most of the time). They came at a cost, though. I started arguments over things that were long past, and given the circumstances, the people I started them with really did not need to hear it. I got disappointed even though I knew what I was doing was hardly wise, because a part of me was hoping that they would accept what I said anyway. And now, there may be at least one person who feels unable to recognize the person I am.

Sharon wrote that she was a person who had short term memory but remembered certain past events down to the details. I used to think of myself like that too, but now when I try to summon the memories that I held on to, tenderly at times, desperately at others, nothing comes to mind. I thought for awhile that perhaps I had begun to resent it... but maybe I just don't miss it as much I used to. New joys and disappointments took their place, experiences I shared with both friends new and old. I've become less hesitant and more decisive/foolhardy, and my happiness and sadness are both magnified by the anticipation that comes with taking a leap into the unknown. But most of the time, I'm just happy I chose to jump, haha.

I still don't know what the main reason is for friends to part. Is it that we change and become mutually unrecognizable? Is it physical distance or temporal separation? Is it because we become too frustrated, both sides too complacent to really listen to each other, having lost the desire to maintain contact? ... Is it enough just to have desire and the will to keep things going? My mom told me that it's always best to leave things open-ended, and perhaps it's likely that 49 years of life have taught her a little something about human nature, but it's still something I find hard to accept... I felt God telling me in the middle of this year that an identity grounded in anything besides him, even friendships, is a life unfulfilled. I've thought about it and I've made adjustments, but I still haven't struck a balance that I'm satisfied with.

I went with Aaron to Kei's house today and we took turns falling asleep on his couch. It really was an incredibly peaceful and refreshing day. The walk to Holland Village was great and hopefully, my 1 year long curse has been lifted. I can't believe I went to Boston looking so awful. I've made a resolution to not be so worried about my appearance, but... it was awful. Shit.

If there's anything that's stuck with me from the past year, it would be the reminder that I'll be judged if I choose to judge and condemn others.

If you think you're humble, there's always somebody who bows lower. If you think you're good looking, there's always someone with softer hair or harder muscles. If you think you're right, there's always another side to the story. If you think you're good at Dota, there's always a small handful of the world's population that is better than you. The practicality of trying to be humble in comparisons with others is that you don't ever have to waste energy getting taken by surprise. I got taken by surprise a fair bit this year, with my doubting and my distrust and my criticism. I started running headfirst into new situations, sometimes faithful and sometimes foolhardy, and without time to consider my actions or reflect on the day, a lot of things bubbled to the surface. Resentment, callousness, self-indulgence, and jealousy. =/ Well. As Kader and Mark like to say, "Still growing."

But it all makes me glad when I think about all that things that happened in primary school and my behavior when I was younger. It was all a gift in the end, because those experiences taught me not to do things that I would regret. Life now is a gift too, with old friends like maturing wine, new friends like erm...whiskey haha, and peace and comfort and food and school and health and church. The first gift was, and always is life, the chance to exist and to feel, and to just be there with friends and family.

2009 is here, a year of T-shirt making, lindy hopping, 'foreign-labouring', and learning and plain messing around. May it also be a year of reconciliation and hope =)

[NIV] Romans 5:3-5: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."