Two C's

"The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson."– Tom Bodett

The above quote is something really cool that I found on my friend's blog/tumbler/tumblr. It's very witty, and very true.

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I'm not a... particularly accomplished person, not even in my self-professed field of gaming. But even though I don't have quite as many accomplishments as I'd like, I think I still have a healthy level of self-confidence in myself. I always think to myself that I'll be able to do anything I put my mind to.

While it's entirely likely that this is simply baseless overconfidence fueled by an innate tendency to build castles in the sky, lately I've been wondering if the cause lies somewhere else.

I don't have much empirical evidence to back this up, but I guess I want to put a lot it down to the fact that my parents had very high hopes for me when I was young; they had a strong sense of confidence in my potential, and today, my Mom is still quite vocal in this despite my lack of material success in most regards.

I'm not going to take anymore time to evaluate the accuracy of their beliefs, though I am grateful for my Mom's continuing support. I guess I'd just like to throw out into the open this idea, that we give children an innate sense of confidence simply by virtue of our wholehearted belief in them, that is expressed in our body language as well as every small action or gesture we perform.

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When you finally find the guts to try to look someone in the eye and connect with him/her... When you do that, you'll find a whole new set of truths and a whole new set of lies. You'll write a whole new list of 'shoulds' and a whole new list of 'should nots'. You will find new strength and new weakness.

We learn humility, and then somewhere along the line we learn false humility. We shed tears, then we learn to shed crocodile tears. We grasp sincerity, but unnoticeably, it becomes insincerity. We learn to see differences between two extremes, but while struggling between being insincere and desiring to be more than that, we find ourselves lost somewhere in the middle, very much unaware sometimes of where we stand and where we are going, unless someone is there to point things out to us.

At times I wonder if its worth it to go through all this mashing up of the rules, but at the end of the day it's always clear that being able to connect with someone is something to look forward to, be it through conversation, performance, or just spending time together. Yet, even if we reached that point, would we only find more obstacles after? It's hard to maintain sincerity in any sort of relationship or commitment, especially when we're feeling emotionally drained or physically worn out.


Lately, I've found myself slowly becoming more unwilling to accept criticism when it comes to Lindy, be it from my partner, my instructor, or my friends. Though it remains important to me, my commitment to improving seems to be getting replaced with... well, self-satisfaction, to put it bluntly. I'm not going to get into details, but I guess, if you're reading this, that I'll try to be more open to honest feedback from now on. It would really be helpful if you guys can give me some criticisms regarding how I can improve for real.

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Blabber; Babble

Verily, she is the embodiment of grace and refinement, and to stand in the light of her blessed countenance is to know that God's favor shines upon thee. To be in her presence is to feel awkward and angular, rough-spoken and coarse by comparison; her eyes so distant and her brow so noble, her.... ... blargh this isn't working out. Not enough flowery womanly-beauty-worship words... ...

But know that she is not among us, dear readers. For if it were known to me that she should lower herself to mingle in this establishment of commoners, tribute would be unerringly paid to her at the beginning and end of every post. Such grace and beauty, the likes of which robs tongues of their wit, and minds of their clarity, ... ...

To be edited, eventually.

Hips don't lie

The above is currently the phrase of choice for certain merciless people who wish to make fun of my grievous (and now recovered) injury. Haha.

In some ways, my behavior varies greatly depending on the group of friends I'm with, be they from secondary school, JC, or university. I guess Whyte is right about us having as many different social selves as we do relationships (Or something like that).

Already, reflecting on sociological concepts in this manner is a sign of the influence of both my studies and my soci friends. I don't deny that both are important to me, but once in a while, insecurity can set in, and it becomes hard to welcome change, not knowing if we're leaving too much behind.

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But this, this is more like me. Or rather, this is also me, the one that has changed in slight ways, but remained roughly the same for the longest time.

This is me using my cool and melancholy and introspective voice.

This is the 'I' expressing the freest and calmest part of 'me', the part of the socialized self that is comfortable with analyzing and calculating, resenting and lamenting, adding and subtracting.

This is the voice in my head that occasional blares out 'DARKNESS UNENDING DARKNESS', because my a part of my subconscious is always telling me to go back
to the fantasy/sci-fi themed world of gaming, where I used to maintain my self-esteem through the pwnage of others, albeit in a dignified and restrained manner. It's tempting to go back to a world where I pwned people just as lava melts rock, as lions hunt antelope, as scissors cut paper, as paper wraps stone, as stone crushes scissors, etc...

Okay I wasn't that damn good. But I was pretty good.

Theoretical Statement 1: Self-worship is okay if extensively disclaimed by self-referential postmodernist writing.

"LIVE BY THE PWN, DIE BY THE PWN." -Newly coined phrase.

REVEL IN INSANITY WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. But I guess that's not really all that insane.

Btw Amellia if you're reading this, I lost your blog address while updating my Firefox!


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Alright. Back to reality.

Having a hip injury helps you to appreciate your legs more: The simple pleasure of walking effortlessly, the convenience of being able to run after a departing bus, the sheer enjoyment of dancing, and a whole list of other things could not be accomplished without them.

(Note : Trope- Major events happen in 3's... Is two too short and 4 too long?)

Having a TB-like cough that doesn't recover because you don't want to see a doctor helps you to appreciate your life more: The blessing of monotonous, comfortable breathing, the flow of a good conversation uninterrupted by coughs, a good and uneventful night's rest...

It doesn't help that the person who should be sweet and sympathetic has decided to express her niceness in the form of mocking laughter that fills the air, deriding my illness, my very existence even. Hahah.

But though these aren't terribly dramatic ill-fortunes, they've made me feel happier about life, more expectant to get to the day when I'm fully recovered. When that day comes, I'll waste less time hesitating. I'll shout HALLELUJAH and HADOKEN at seemingly random times, possibly together at once.


Today is a gift. That's why they call it the present. LOL. Cliche ending ftw.

There is truth in fiction.

Dear dod,

Grass is a many splendored thing.

And with you, guys would want more than flings.

So though you may have all the bling

And all the money lust can bring

Remember that you have a voice to sing

And shapely legs to jump and spring

Money doesn't mean a thing

When placed next to a wedding ring,
sincerely and lovingly presented.

And finally,

Getting rejected by hot girls, stings.

Stung many a time by hot girls, I have been.


And you too, have stung me of late,

So please stop with all the self-hate.

Today, I...

... embarrassed myself during social psychology. Okay I deserved that one haha.

... made a mistake for the test, and possibly one more mistake after. Don't know if I deserved this one.

... was wrongly accused of being a pervert, due to the grossly exaggerated reports of a certain somebody. I definitely didn't deserve this. Haha.

... realized that from 9.30am to 7.30pm, I studied for 8 hours. Awesome. Got back home and did absolutely nothing afterward.

... realized that my sentence structure has been fucked up severely by my reading of consecutive articles written by 'social scientists' with no common sense, who don't think before they write, and have obviously stagnated in a university mindset which condones doing your essays the night before your deadline (in this case, publication deadline).

... realized the above sentence was one extremely long compound sentence.

... understood that this still matters to me, but I only keep trying because I somehow forget that I'm going to be disappointed. Managing expectations was one thing. Acceptance was another. But it seems like you already have everything you need and everything you're ever going to need.

... felt the need to be able to write better emo than this.


... found a new hero in John Havaleer.

Eyes

In the popular action anime Naruto, some of the lead characters have abilities that allow their eyes to see what others cannot. They can see kilometers into the distance, see things behind the back of their head, see through objects and illusions, and even copy the movements and abilities of people just by watching them do it.

In the minds of young boys (and maybe adults too), it's an alluring fantasy to innately possess a trait that symbolizes your uniqueness and dominance over the common crowd.

But more seductive than that, perhaps, is this idea that you can see things that others can't, that you can discern invisible things and deep secrets just by looking at a person's face.

Some of us have this idea in our heads that we can tell what a person's character is like just from their physical appearance. One person, who is many years my senior, subscribes to this strongly and often has remarks to make about people just by looking at their pictures. Personally, she has much more life experience than I do and I can't simply discount what she says.

That said, I believe that yes, you can tell things about a person's character based on their facial features. The question, however, is whether or not we correctly interpret what it is we see. While the accuracy of such interpretations probably improves as we gain more experiences in life and meet more kinds of people, most of us would find it hard not to agree that in such a subjective matter, there should always be room for doubt.

But it's hard to let go of impressions based on such instinctual processes; to do so would be to deny affirmation to what we feel is our unconscious power. It's hard to relinquish the security that comes with being able to mark out who will or will not hurt you. There is a sort of pride and implication of spiritual ability (or maturity) that comes with the idea that we can read people.

It's thrilling to be able to know what comes next (like being able to predict the poorly-concealed gank attempts of lesser players). It's satisfying to say to others, "I knew it all along".

But sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, what's more important than being able to see the flaws in people is to be able to see the good in them.

I'm somebody with a short list of achievements, most of which only pertain to gaming. I didn't get stellar grades in primary or in secondary school. I'm not in a particularly prestigious branch of university education. I stopped playing the piano because of a lack of enthusiasm.

In spite of that, when it comes to being able to accomplish tasks (other than anything involving folding, tying ropes, or fitting things together), I'm confident in my ability to complete them or at least contribute to the process. I don't think I would have this same level of confidence if not for my mom and my friends, who give me reaffirmation from time to time.

Often, we need others to believe in us before we can achieve our fullest potential. The importance of loving yourself if an oft-taught moral lesson, but the reality remains that the average person needs at least a few important people to genuinely like and believe in them, before they can believe in themselves.

There are those people who laugh a little too loud, say the wrong thing out of nervousness, rub people the wrong way, or dance weird dances that are frowned upon by certain members of the larger dancing community. Too often and too easily do we write people off. Once in a while, I think it's worth it if we can open our eyes and see more in people than that which is before us.

P.S. Writing this, I'm at least somewhat aware that I've already crossed the line over into hypocrisy on this matter, several times at least. Well, I did say "Once in a while". Lol.


Cryptic comment of the day:

"If you meet the Buddha, kill the Buddha. If you meet your father, kill your father. Free of everything you are bound by nothing, live the life that is given to you." -Genjou Sanzou, Saiyuki

Badass Creeds

This is from the Dark Tower by Stephen King. I don't follow the series, but these few lines stand out all on their own:

The Gunslinger's Creed:

I do not aim with my hand;
He who aims with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I aim with my eye.
I do not shoot with my hand;
He who shoots with his hand has forgotten the face of his father.
I shoot with my mind.
I do not kill with my gun;
He who kills with his gun has forgotten the face of his father.
I kill with my heart.

Plan fail

A dark cloud looms over me.

If you have to crunch the numbers: 5 hours of LAN, 0 hours of studying, 4 backlogged readings, 6 readings to complete by this evening.

All the worthless plots and schemes.

Shit.

Damn.

It's getting cold, so cold.

Who dares, wins.

Friday night was only a partial victory. I managed to perform properly in front of an audience, but when it came to social dancing, I still couldn't find the guts to ask a total stranger to dance with me. Still, I guess every little bit counts.

Bonding with the Lindy people is going pretty well. Shaorav's wide move-list and his natural flair for dancing make me feel competitive at times, but I only get provoked by his abilities and not by him, which I think is fine.

This sem feels like a pivotal one, and yet Marie (Post note: Now it's just me) and I can't get motivated enough to get some decent work done. I think it's been two weeks since I did any serious reading. Looking at it from a GPA-only standpoint, this semester seems like the one to score as well as possible in. Next semester looks like its going to be a battle of attrition.


Cryptic comment of the day:

"The mightiest in arms may be but slaves to their swords."

Motivational comment of the day:

"Only those who fight uphill battles can get to plant their flag at the top."